Fire. The wheel. And now, finally, the iSlate. Walter Mosspuppet, the only tech journalist in the world, gives us an exclusive first look at what the world is anticipating this week.

The new device is similar to a unibody MacBook Pro in appearance. In Walter's words, “It's like a brushed aluminum orgasm.” The mystery is over about the operating system as well, as Walter reports,“The iSlate runs a greatly enhanced version of the iPhone OS, which is a crippled version of Mac OS X, and it’s gorgeous.”

But with all the hype that has led up to the announcement, can any device avoid being a disappointment? Walter says the answer is a resounding yes! “This device is everything you’ve been waiting for, but so much more. There’s a sophisticated AI in here that knows which user is holding it, so if you hand it off to a family member, it switches user accounts AND starts making them coffee. There’s even a button in one of the menus that if you press it—I have no idea how this works—a unicorn comes to your door with your favorite kind of pizza.”

But how useful is it? Is this just the latest whiz-bang gadget that you'll show off a few times and then toss aside? Not according to Mosspuppet. “Buy five. Put one in every pair of pants that you own.”

It's rare that a new piece of technology lives up to expectations, but clearly this one is a hit. Check out the video below.