Angry Birds is the most overrated game of all time. I mean it. It’s true that I’ve always been something of an anti-Angry Birds evangelist, but my reasons are solid: it just isn’t that good. If I heard as much critical acclaim for an equivalent Xbox game, I would punch myself in the face, throw away my controller, and join up with Jack Thompson for tea.

In fact, the only pleasure I derive from those feathered freaks is blowing them up.

And I do enjoy blowing the birds up.

See what many people fail to realize is that there was a time, a time before movie tie-ins and gratuitous spin-offs (St. Patrick’s Day Angry Birds, seriously?) in which Angry Birds was but a twinkle in Rovio Mobile’s eye. Back then Doodle Jump, Peggle, and Pocket God ran the show. They stayed on top via frequent updates and a layer of polish so thick you could see your reflection in it. Frankly, it was a better time. Now you can't peruse any area of iTunes without seeing beaks.

This is the face of oversaturation.

Without further ado, the seven reasons Angry Birds makes me an Angry Nerd.

1) The Seasons version, which you pay for with your own hard-earned money, still has ads. In this economic climate! The American populace doesn’t want PAID APPS with Ads. That’s called double dipping.

You look stupid. Take that hat off. You are a bird.

2) The physics are totally whack.

3) Those G*#$#@! Birds make the most annoying sounds in the entire world. Seriously who signed off on these voices? It’s like Gilbert Gottfried and Pauly Shore sucking helium.

The only thing worse than Gilbert Gottfried's voice is ads in a paid app.

4) There’s no way to save your replays. Which means when you finally do get the carnival-milk-bottle physics to cooperate, you have no way to show your friends how neat it was.

5) The star system is totally whack. Look, if I shoot my first chicken into fourteen tons of dynamite, blow up more pigs than Duke Nukem at a petting zoo, and take down their ridiculously absurd ice castle in the process, that’s three stars. I don’t care if there was a banana up on some cliff crag that explodes into a million points, it’s a banana. It doesn’t need to blow up. Those filthy pigs do.

Look, I avenged my nest, made it to the next level with a single chicken, and in my final moments of life before I popped into an inexplicable poof of dust, I earned the respect of every feathered friend. My sacrifice will be remembered forever. They will build statues of me with their beaks.

What do you mean I only earned two stars?

6) It's not Peggle or Doodle Jump.

7) This thing.