From its humble, wooden beginnings to today’s chrome-and-aluminum-wrapped beauties, Apple has solidified its place as the most unique company in Silicon Valley, creating a niche that even Michael Dell can’t ignore. Playing the perfect dark horse, Apple won the hearts of a nation of computer users who beat a different drum and weren’t afraid to spend a few extra bucks on a product worth its weight in blue screens and frozen cursors.

But since the iPod took the world by storm seven years ago, Apple’s family has grown exponentially, from less than 3 percent of the computing world in 2005 to nearly 8 percent at last count. Of course, with all those smug, glowing Apples come millions of card-carrying Mac users, making for more than a few crowded passenger cars behind the Little Engine That Could.

And while we applaud Apple’s success, we can’t help feeling a little claustrophobic with all these newbies around. We don’t want to come off as selfish, but there’s something to be said about being small, close-knit and exclusive, and, frankly, we had grown rather accustomed to the stares and double-takes whenever we pulled an Apple notebook out of our bag.

So, if any of Apple’s decision-makers are reading this, perhaps you might want to consider a strategic shift back to the days of yore, when the Apple was still upside-down and only the in crowd knew how to pronounce OS X. Why? Well, we're glad you asked:

The Awwwww Factor

From Beeny Babies to LOLcats, our culture has a fascination with all things small. Non-threatening, cuddly, and easy to clean up after, small is the new big, whether we're talking cars, iPods, or burgers (but not TVs or... you know), and Apple is in danger of getting a little too big to run with the small crowd. And we all know what happens then — after all the money, fame, attention and success has worn off, of course — um... well... it’s not good, that’s for sure.

Single-Serving Friends

Tyler Durden may have been referring to the people he met on airplanes, but the phrase is perfectly applicable here, too. Disposable, cheap, replaceable, and forgettable, Apple’s iPod Halo effect has sucked in quite a number of fair-weather fans, who only started paying attention after Intel and the iPhone, like so many Celtics and Giants fans. C’mon now, which would you rather have: a small band of devoted users with a $23 stock price and 3-4 months of Mac channel inventory? Or millions of casual ones who don’t even know the original codename for the blue-and-white G3 Power Mac? The choice is obvious, doncha think?

Tick... Tick... Sick

One of the oldest arguments between Windows and OS X users is whether or not the Apple Desktop is as impervious to viruses as Mac fans think. The general consensus among critics is that hackers aren’t going to waste their time on an OS used by such a small segment of the population, and if Apple’s keeps growing, that theory is going to finally get tested. And what if it’s true? What if OS X really is as unstable as Windows and its Service Packs, and the floodgates are thrust opened once Apple’s market share passes, oh, say, some magical threshold, like 10.6 or 12.3 percent? I mean, surely it’s possible that a legion of hackers are sitting at their keyboards right now, just waiting for exactly the right moment to press the Big Red Button? And each Mac sold brings us that much closer to Doomsday.

Smarter Than the Average Bear

Like the classic children’s story, Apple’s particular brand of porridge, chair and bed have always been “just right,” the perfect blend of form, function and comfort. For decades, Mac faithful have passed up competing computers as too “hot,” “hard,” “soft” or “cold,” but a few million unwanted houseguests might make things a little too “crowded” in Casa Manzana. But we’re quite sure they’ll be plenty of room up the block at the Dell House. (And we hear the cover charge is a bit cheaper, too.)

Don’t Trust Anyone Over 32

Through grunge, leg warmers, mohawks, denim jackets, giga pets, Atkins, and Windows 95, Apple has endured and somehow managed to stay hip. Whether you're using a new iMac or a 10-year-old Wall Street PowerBook, Apple’s attention to detail and sleek, crisp designs have always made its users seem just a little cooler than their Windows counterparts. But as Syndrome says in "The Incredibles": When everyone’s cool, no one will be.