Apple Event Invite Points to Top Secret Security Technology

Posted 10/15/2010 at 11:42am | by Seamus Bellamy

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Since Apple announced their event set for this upcoming Wednesday, the interwebz have been all abuzz with rumors surrounding what may be unveiled. With the iPhone and the iPad having stolen the spotlight from Apple's laptop and desktop computers over the past year, it's high time that Macs once again got their due. Lucky for us, it appears from the event's name--Back to the Mac--that's exactly what Cupertino has in mind.

But what form will Apple's efforts take?

Some say that we'll see a revamped 11.6 inch version of the MacBook Air and refreshes of iWork and iLife. Others feel that the artwork that came with the Back to the Mac announcement heralds the arrival of the latest update to Apple's kitty-powered operating system.

Sorry, but being the experts that we are, we can tell you that the outlook for all of the above-mentioned products is bleak. Sure, OS X is due for a refresh, but it won't happen this Wednesday. A smaller MacBook Air? Really? Didn't Steve Jobs already tell us that netbooks aren't good at doing anything? iLife and iWork? Honestly, do you think that's what Apple plans to unleash on holiday shoppers this year?

Please.

No friends, the Mac has sat on the sidelines for far too long for Apple to bother with something as quaint as a product refresh or upgrade. It's time to innovate. It's time to change the personal computing landscape. Ignore the rumors and look past the hype.

It's time for something completely different.

By analyzing the artwork associated with Apple's Back to the Mac event and talking to a number of our sources working out of the the company's Cupertino design facility, Mac|Life has pieced together what's coming. Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for A-LIoN, or if you will, Apple's "Automated Laser Intervention Nexus" system.

That's right: The company that gave birth to the personal computer revolution and changed the face of the music industry is thinking different once again. This time around, Apple's putting military-grade laser technology in the hands of the consumer.

It goes without saying, of course, that this changes everything.

According to Mac|Life sources well-versed on the matter, A-LIoN is the result of Apple's long-standing relationship with a number of government agencies, including NASA and the U.S. Army. By incrementally reducing the size and number of ports on their computers, while at the same time increasing the heft and capacity of their laptop batteries, Apple's hardware engineers have figured out how to jam a complex laser-based computer anti-theft and personal protection system into the the full spectrum of Mac hardware.

How does it work? We thought you'd never ask.

Utilizing the space allotted by an outer shell uncluttered by banal features such as dedicated microphone jacks or additional USB ports, Apple has equipped their latest desktop and portable computers with enough lasers emitters to ensure a 360 degree sphere of death-ray-based protection for both the computer user and their beloved device.

To ensure that users would never be forced to choose between sheer firepower and the iconic clean lines of Apple's industrial design, the Cupertino-based tech company leveraged their exclusive rights to an alloy purchased from Liquidmetal Technologies earlier this year, developing a energy-permeable metallic membrane that A-LIoN's lasers are able to fire through without the need for emitter apertures which would ruin the Mac's otherwise perfect unibody design. Knowing this, the message behind the Back to the Mac artwork becomes clear: the power and fury of a lion hidden away by the beauty of brushed steel.

Genius.

As with all Apple products, A-LIoN couldn't be easier to use. Thanks to the technology's simple user-interface, dealing with even the most terrifying of crimes is an exercise in simplicity. By using either a Magic Mouse or a multi-touch track pad, all a Mac user need do is simply swipe in the direction of an assailant and A-LIoN will unleash a devastating laser attack.

Even when you're away from your Mac, A-LIoN has you covered. Using the same facial recognition technology already integrated into Aperture and iPhoto, A-LIoN can tell friend from foe. This allows authorized computer users to enjoy their computing experience in perfect safety, while keeping undesirables at bay, first with a warning shot, and then should they not move away from your Mac, continuing on to slice them up like so much lunch meat.

Needless to say, we're utterly stoked.

Follow this article's author, Seamus Bellamy on Twitter.