They weren’t on a mission of redemption like the USA Basketball team. They don’t have eight gold medals like Michael Phelps. They didn’t break any world records. And they won’t be getting a Speedo endorsement any time soon.

But Apple’s Executive Board members had plenty of reasons to high-five during the Games of XXIX Olympiad: Like each time Microsoft spokesman Lebron James, or Yao Ming, or any of the 11,000 other athletes from around the world was shown listening to an iPod before an event. Or whenever a broadcaster waxed intellectual about Phelps’ pre-swim playlist. Or when Dwight Howard was photographed downloading an app onto his iPhone. (Not so much when a duct-taped MacBook Pro made an appearance, but you can’t win 'em all.)

So we started thinking: What if Apple’s Executive Board, rather than its products, were the stars of the Beijing Olympic Games? What events would they participate in? Who would win gold?  

Steve Jobs

Event: Marathon

While he’d probably rename it iRun, Steve Jobs is the perfect candidate for the Olympics’ longest race. Having been with Apple since Day 1 (despite a 12-year detour), Jobs has outpaced cofounder Steve Wozniak and five CEOs to emerge as the best distance runner in Silicon Valley (even Microsoft founder Bill Gates dropped out of the race). He’s been training for this particular event for 32 years, and his pacing, timing, and stride couldn’t be better.

Result: Although it might get a little hot under all that turtleneck, we’re betting Steve will easily walk away with the gold.

Philip Schiller

Event: Basketball

A consummate team player, Phil Schiller has been Apple’s go-to guy when they need a quick quote or headline since he joined the company in 1997. Always following Steve’s lead but towering over his 6-foot-2-inch frame, Schiller can do wonderful things when he gets the ball in the low post or open floor, or when defending against the company’s strongest detractors and imitators. Not quite a point guard, but much too versatile to play center, Schiller easily makes Cupertino’s starting squad as a power forward, easily leading them past pool play and into the medal round.

Result: While we like his chances against Argentina’s Luis Scola or Spain’s Jorge Garbajosa, he’s just no match for the tandem of Lebron James and Carmelo Anthony (not to mention Carlos Boozer off the bench). Team Cupertino’ll make the gold medal game, but will have to settle for a distant silver.

Bob Mansfield, Timothy Cook, Tony Fadell, and Scott Forstall

Event: Swimming relay

Better known as the Team Most Likely to Lead Apple Through the Darkness, the four members of the Cupertino 4x100 swimming relay squad have all corners of the company covered for Steve’s eventual retirement. Aqua guru Scott Forstall; Tony Fadell, the father of the iPod; Mac mastermind Bob Mansfield; and right-hand man Timothy Cook—this foursome gives new meaning to the word “teamwork.” They may not be the Dream Team of Piersol, Hansen, Phelps, and Lezak, but together they can keep Apple afloat once Jobs decides to hang up his mouse.

Result: Filling Steve’s shoes is no easy task, and neither is this event. Straining to live up to lofty expectations back home, Team Cupertino will have hard time placing high enough to win a medal—that is, if they’re not immediately disqualified for leaving the starting block too early.

Jonathan Ive

Event: Freestyle wrestling (84-96kg)

With delicate hands and a keen eye for Apple chic, Jonathan Ive seems like an odd choice for such a brutish event. But for all his dexterity and attention to detail, Ive is built for wrestling, with a strong upper body, short frame, and lateral problem-solving skills. Ive tackles every task with gusto and never fails to deliver eye-popping results. Great Britain, his country of origin, is no stranger to wrestling accolades either, having collected 17 total medals in the sport.

Result: While we’re sure he’ll wow us with something we’ve never seen before, Ive is a computer geek at heart. We’re pretty sure Russia’s Khadjimourat Gatsalov eats iPod shuffles for breakfast and has no idea what a motherboard is. Sorry, Jon, you’ll have to settle for a bronze here.

Bertrand Serlet

Event: Cycling Road Race

The quirkiest member of Apple’s Executive Board, French native Bertrand Serlet, the lanky, awkward senior vice president of software engineering looks about as natural in a pair of lycra shorts as he does delivering punch lines on the stage at Moscone West. A former NeXT engineer and vice president plucked from Xerox PARC by Steve, Serlet has skillfully and steadily climbed the ranks at Apple, deploying the strength, endurance and strategy necessary to survive a decade-long relationship—or a 152.5-mile road race.

Result: Despite his abundance of good cycling qualities, we think Serlet’s goofiness will get the better of him, and we imagine him showing up in a bike resembling something Pee Wee Herman would ride, putting him well near the bottom of the pack. But we know he’ll have a big ol' smile on his face when he finally crosses the finish line.

Sina Tamaddon

Event: Weightlifting (56kg)

As vice president of applications, Sina Tamaddon is no stranger to heavy lifting. Another NeXT transplant who joined Apple following Jobs's triumphant return, Tamaddon’s Iranian roots severely limit his opportunities at the Games; in 14 Olympics, the country’s athletes have won less than 50 medals spanning just three events: wrestling, taekwondo, and weightlifting. We don’t figure Tamaddon to be much of a martial arts expert (and we’re not about to wrestle Ive for his event), so the Persian software specialist is going to have to pick up a set of dumbbells.

Result: After watching Hungarian Janos Baranyai horrifically dislocate his elbow on his third attempt in the men’s 77kg division, we’ll understand if Tamaddon respectfully fakes an injury (food poisoning perhaps?) and withdraws from this one. We certainly wouldn’t want to risk injury to his mouse arm.

Peter Oppenheimer

Event: Gymnastics (horizontal bar)

The man behind the money and all of Apple’s secrets, CFO Peter Oppenheimer has become quite adept at balancing the company’s ever-growing books, twisting not-so-good news, and keeping Apple’s expectations just below insurmountable. Navigating a near-180-degree swing in the company’s bottom line is no easy task, but Oppenheimer has kept a firm grip on things, with smooth turns, impressive transitions, and positive spins, and he never fails to land on both feet.

Result: While we don’t expect Oppenheimer to break any records here, we’re betting on a solid-gold finish.

Ron Johnson

Event: Archery

Hired in 2000 to coordinate Apple’s ambitious retail store strategy, Ron Johnson’s leadership has been nothing short of brilliant, with 187 stores across the world, including one right around the corner from Beijing's Bird’s Nest. More than seven years since the first grand opening, Johnson has delicately adapted Apple Stores to their customers’ changing needs, defying conventions and never failing to find just the right location. And if all that’s not enough, he used to work at Target, making him a shoo-in for this event.

Result: Johnson rarely misses his mark, and all but two of his competitors are going to be leaving with little more than a free T-shirt—and they’ll be battling it out for silver and bronze.

Daniel Cooperman

Event: Volleyball

Chief Legal Officer Daniel Cooperman has been quite busy these days. Between blocking frivolous lawsuits, spiking class-actions, and serving cease-and-desists, it’s any wonder he finds time to practice... well... blocking, spiking, and serving. One of the best legal minds in the industry, Cooperman likely has a 7-foot pile of papers in his inbox, so he should feel right at home on the sand of the court.

Result: We don’t expect Cooperman to settle for anything less an medal here, unless, of course, he ends up getting something out of the deal—you know, like exclusive branding rights or one less rumor site, or something.