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Office life in the technology sector is fraught with peril--and exposure to extreme irony isn’t the only hazard that can bring you down. So, in the interest of public safety, we have prepared the following list of advisories for any cubicle drone working in a nerd-heavy environment. Read on as we follow our own Mac|Life tech geeks--as well as safety scofflaws from Maximum PC, GamesRadar and Official Xbox Magazine--as they brave the dangerous foot paths and conference rooms of Future US HQ.
1. Use Green Lasers Responsibly
Handheld lasers aren’t just for amusing cats and capturing the attention of airplane pilots. They’re also great for forming bonds with co-workers. The following exchange should ring familiar:
Co-worker: Cut it out!
You: Hah-hah-hah. Heh.
Co-worker: Dickweed.
You: Douchebucket.
Co-worker: You’re a total wad, dude. You won’t be laughing after you've turned my eyes into soft-boiled eggs.
You: Hah-hah-hah. Heh.
Just be aware that compared to red lasers -- which have about as much destructive power as a small bag of cotton balls -- green lasers pose a greater risk for injury. For this reason, one should employ caution when using green lasers in common office-geek applications. When enjoying games of Eye Blinders, Air Scribble Extreme, and Pin the Dot on the Webmonkey, take care to avoid shining a green laser beam in your co-worker’s eyes.
Has the Maclife.com staff learned its lesson? Only time -- and a lifelong regimen of eye exams -- will tell. From left to right: Leslie “Left Eye” Ayers, Ray “My Eye! My Eye!” Aguilera, and Robbie “Why Is It Dark All of the Sudden?” Baldwin.
2. Beware of Falling Action Figures
It’s a cruel irony of municipal planning: We choose to build homes on the quiet retreat of rolling hillsides, yet these very hillsides often crumble upon us, leaving only destruction and broken dreams in their wake. And so it goes with action figures. Who wouldn’t want to work beneath the sweeping vista of Batman, Chewbacca and about 180 more of their 6-inch-tall buddies? It’s like having ComiCon as your upstairs neighbors -- and that’s prime real estate, Jimmy.
Should you be so lucky as to have your desk situated beneath an action figure community, take proper precautions. Install a modest plexiglas fence along the easement of the action figure zone, or wear an OSHA-certified hard hat when working at your desk (and have extra hard hats on hand for visitors).
Gamesradar.com editor Brett Elston lives in constant danger of “death by pointy edge.” Indeed, even a single, solid thunk to the side of his cubicle divider could unleash a fury of falling fantasy figures -- a virtual polypropylene Vietnam raining down upon his head.
3. Never Give Launch Sequence Codes to Artificially Intelligence Life Forms
Artificial Intelligence has many useful applications in the commercial geekspace. Office elevators can monitor and adjust to traffic patterns. Printers can alert you when you’re running low on ink. And even computer-controlled Texas Hold’em can do a serviceable job of mimicking a real-life player, making those blousy-drowsy work hours just a bit more fun and rewarding.
Yes, artificial intelligence can be our friend. We nonetheless caution you to withhold all launch sequence codes from artificially intelligent life forms. Such codes include, but are not limited to, those for nuclear attacks, self-replicating weapons systems, and any evolutionary model that consigns humankind to serving as an energy source for mechanized hymenoptera. Not all artificially intelligent life forms pose problems, but unless you want to be known around the office as “the guy who destroyed mankind,” then just keep the proverbial car keys to yourself.
“No, don’t worry about me, Leslie. I still have a few pieces of work I need to finish up. You just go home and enjoy dinner with your family. I’ll close up around here.”
4. Cable Management Saves Lives
It always starts innocently enough: Your Ethernet cable becomes entwined with your power strip. Then some speaker cabling is mistakenly routed through the intersection of the two. Add in the cables and cords for all your other tech toys, and you have a gauntlet of trip wires that would ensnare even Shaobo Qin from “Ocean’s Eleven.” To avoid disaster, zip-tie all your cables in neat bunches, and then keep those bunches away from heavy foot traffic zones.
You might wanna tie those shoelaces, too. Or maybe get some slip-ons?
We give you Maclife.com editor Roberto Baldwin – beloved husband, admired co-worker, and another casualty in America’s ongoing battle against cabling chaos.
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October 09, 2009 at 6:20pm
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September 10, 2009 at 10:24pm
I was absolutely ready to purchase the infamous tribook when I visited this forum and found out it was a hoax to call more attention from the public in here. I am so disappointed and my hope is that the Apple guys read this to make it come true. The cynical comments about diminishing this effect are only accomplices and claque. Essay
lukeforester1
April 24, 2009 at 8:12pm
I know its insane to pay "SOOOO much money" to someone to be able to work for them, but I was just ranting.; Calm down! btw Susie in nerf guns and Roberto were HILARIOUS!!!!! <3 Mac|Life 4EVER <3<3<3!!!!
frankly
April 22, 2009 at 4:44pm
Susie + Nerf gear = Awesome!Thanks for the great laugh! The staff of Mac|Life is one of the reasons my subscription is renewed through 2011.
sjds8
April 20, 2009 at 5:04pm
The picture with everyone's eyes "burnt" out by the laser makes me laugh everytime I see it. Especially, the poor girl with both eyes damaged.
MacAddict4Life
April 19, 2009 at 4:00am
Pro tip: When you work, they normally pay you, not the other way around. ;)
lukeforester1
April 18, 2009 at 8:31am
If only I were older (sigh) I would pay SOOOO much money to work at Mac|Life and study all the geeky things there are to know about mac and how PCs are inferior tech! OMG i wish i knew harry potter, he could give me a growth potion! Where is the Mac|Life office anyway? Anyone happen to know? Anyone capable of bribing the staff into letting a 13-year-old work there? PLEASE! IM BEGGING YOU!
MacAddict4Life
April 18, 2009 at 1:06am
Your responses were funnier than the article itself...
Well played, MacLife people, well played... :D
Susie Ochs
April 15, 2009 at 10:15am
Ha ha ha ha, the mouse pictured under all that Cheeto dust (page 3) is the Belkin Washable Mouse. But of course. (No mice were harmed in the production of this article.)
MacAddict4Life
April 15, 2009 at 1:53am
Not to be rude, but isn't it a bit pretentious to tag your own humor piece as "hilarious?"
Susie Ochs
April 15, 2009 at 10:06am
come on, it's more pretentious than that! but it's also a helpful service we provide to you, the reader, who wants to wade through the non-hilarious with speed and efficiency! you're welcome!
