Office life in the technology sector is fraught with peril--and exposure to extreme irony isn’t the only hazard that can bring you down. So, in the interest of public safety, we have prepared the following list of advisories for any cubicle drone working in a nerd-heavy environment. Read on as we follow our own Mac|Life tech geeks--as well as safety scofflaws from Maximum PC, GamesRadar and Official Xbox Magazine--as they brave the dangerous foot paths and conference rooms of Future US HQ.

1. Use Green Lasers Responsibly

Handheld lasers aren’t just for amusing cats and capturing the attention of airplane pilots. They’re also great for forming bonds with co-workers. The following exchange should ring familiar:

Co-worker: Cut it out!
You: Hah-hah-hah. Heh.
Co-worker: Dickweed.
You: Douchebucket.
Co-worker: You’re a total wad, dude. You won’t be laughing after you've turned my eyes into soft-boiled eggs.
You: Hah-hah-hah. Heh.

Just be aware that compared to red lasers -- which have about as much destructive power as a small bag of cotton balls -- green lasers pose a greater risk for injury. For this reason, one should employ caution when using green lasers in common office-geek applications. When enjoying games of Eye Blinders, Air Scribble Extreme, and Pin the Dot on the Webmonkey, take care to avoid shining a green laser beam in your co-worker’s eyes.

Has the Maclife.com staff learned its lesson? Only time -- and a lifelong regimen of eye exams -- will tell. From left to right: Leslie “Left Eye” Ayers, Ray “My Eye! My Eye!” Aguilera, and Robbie “Why Is It Dark All of the Sudden?” Baldwin.



2. Beware of Falling Action Figures



It’s a cruel irony of municipal planning: We choose to build homes on the quiet retreat of rolling hillsides, yet these very hillsides often crumble upon us, leaving only destruction and broken dreams in their wake. And so it goes with action figures. Who wouldn’t want to work beneath the sweeping vista of Batman, Chewbacca and about 180 more of their 6-inch-tall buddies? It’s like having ComiCon as your upstairs neighbors -- and that’s prime real estate, Jimmy.

Should you be so lucky as to have your desk situated beneath an action figure community, take proper precautions. Install a modest plexiglas fence along the easement of the action figure zone, or wear an OSHA-certified hard hat when working at your desk (and have extra hard hats on hand for visitors).


Gamesradar.com editor Brett Elston lives in constant danger of “death by pointy edge.” Indeed, even a single, solid thunk to the side of his cubicle divider could unleash a fury of falling fantasy figures -- a virtual polypropylene Vietnam raining down upon his head.



3. Never Give Launch Sequence Codes to Artificially Intelligence Life Forms



Artificial Intelligence has many useful applications in the commercial geekspace. Office elevators can monitor and adjust to traffic patterns. Printers can alert you when you’re running low on ink. And even computer-controlled Texas Hold’em can do a serviceable job of mimicking a real-life player, making those blousy-drowsy work hours just a bit more fun and rewarding.

Yes, artificial intelligence can be our friend. We nonetheless caution you to withhold all launch sequence codes from artificially intelligent life forms. Such codes include, but are not limited to, those for nuclear attacks, self-replicating weapons systems, and any evolutionary model that consigns humankind to serving as an energy source for mechanized hymenoptera. Not all artificially intelligent life forms pose problems, but unless you want to be known around the office as “the guy who destroyed mankind,” then just keep the proverbial car keys to yourself.


“No, don’t worry about me, Leslie. I still have a few pieces of work I need to finish up. You just go home and enjoy dinner with your family. I’ll close up around here.”



4. Cable Management Saves Lives



It always starts innocently enough: Your Ethernet cable becomes entwined with your power strip. Then some speaker cabling is mistakenly routed through the intersection of the two. Add in the cables and cords for all your other tech toys, and you have a gauntlet of trip wires that would ensnare even Shaobo Qin from “Ocean’s Eleven.” To avoid disaster, zip-tie all your cables in neat bunches, and then keep those bunches away from heavy foot traffic zones.

You might wanna tie those shoelaces, too. Or maybe get some slip-ons?


We give you Maclife.com editor Roberto Baldwin – beloved husband, admired co-worker, and another casualty in America’s ongoing battle against cabling chaos.