Satire: 10 Ideas Steve Pitched to Disney
It might not be as exciting as another tablet rumor, but the recent New York Times’ report that Disney and Steve Jobs are collaborating on a radical new retail shop design certainly piqued our curiosity. But the tip that landed in our inbox a few days later really caught our attention.
Titled "Top Secret Apple/Disney Ideas," it contained a handful of proposals that came straight from the Mouse’s brainstorming sessions with the Man himself. We’re not going to divulge our source (bring it on, Apple legal), but our Duc—, er, Deep Throat used his significant clout with Walt to gain access to one of the early meetings. Unfortunately, he was quickly thrown out for not wearing pants, but not before he snagged a handout of Steve’s Keynote presentation.
We’re pretty sure these didn’t make it past the first round of discussions, but you never know what might pop up.
Mighty Mickey Mouse
If not for the sudden introduction of Magic Mouse, we never would have believed this one, but apparently there’s a reason Steve didn’t retire Apple’s once-Mighty Mouse. An odd step backward from sleek Multi-Touch mouse now shipping, Steve proposed fitting Apple’s old pointer with a pair of black Mickey ears that added an extra pair of programmable buttons--and, from the best we can surmise, a bit of clunkiness and a whole lotta cheesy corporate branding.
Conscience Bar
Instead of dishing out computer advice in 15-minute intervals, Steve submitted an idea for a Conscience Bar staffed by a team of semi-professional, kid-friendly counselors. Obviously inspired by Pinocchio’s pal Jiminy Cricket, the station would dispense words of wisdom to toddlers and young adults who get in trouble and don’t know right from wrong. But here’s the really cool part: Little iPhone users could whistle into a special app to book the next available appointment.
Circle of iLife
Steve’s Lion King-inspired suite contains a trio of digital hub apps--Idol, Popcorn and Pictures--bundled together and given the full kiddie treatment. With an emphasis on simplicity, Circle of iLife strips GarageBand, iMovie and iPhoto down to its barest necessities and lets kids sing along with their favorite songs, direct their own Disney cartoons, and add fun effects to photos without worrying about submenus and pallets. As Steve so cleverly put it, "There's more to do than can ever be done."
Snow White Leopard
We know Steve’s in for some serious competition now that Microsoft has made an operating system people actually want to use, but rebranding OS X Snow Leopard seems a little desperate to us. So does dressing the dwarves in cute little cat costumes on the box. And that Magic Mirror Photo Booth effect ... OK, we kinda like that one.
Whistle While You iWork
iLife’s Disneyization was fairly inevitable, but we were surprised when iWork made the list, too. Clearly another Snow White reference (and, oddly enough, the second proposal to involve whistling), Steve’s Whistle While You iWork vision consists of another trio of apps--Show, Count and Tell--designed to stimulate creativity and help kids learn their ABCs and 123s. We just hope he wasn’t planning on hiring a nauseatingly cute kid to pitch it.
Poison Apple Care
More of a return policy than a warranty, Poison Apple Care is Steve’s version of a gift receipt on steroids. For a small fee, kids or parents buying a present could pick up a Poison Apple Care that would let the recipient easily exchange the unwanted gift for Apple Store credit, along with five free iTunes downloads and a 10 percent discount coupon. As Steve so modestly put it: "Everyone should get exactly what they want for their birthday, and that’s not always at the Disney store."
Wall-eMac
Jonathan Ive already helped with the EVE design for Pixar’s hit movie, so it’s only natural he would have a hand in transforming her boyfriend into a new Mac for preschoolers. Built around a 17-inch screen and a 1.83GHz Core 2 Duo processor, the Wall-eMac comes with posable eyes (the left is an iSight camera, the right is a microphone) and arms (the right holds a remote; the left is an iPod dock), and movable legs (the right one is a USB hub). Unfortunately it can’t crush garbage--that is, unless it happens to come across a Dell Vostro Mini Tower. (Good zinger there, Steve. Hope you remembered to pause for laughter.)
Mary Pippin
Who knew Steve has a soft spot for Apple’s failed gaming system and Disney’s 1964 musical? Essentially an iPod touch accessory geared toward undiscriminating little girls, Steve’s Pippin reboot freakishly resembles Mary Poppins’ floral carpet bag, with her parrot head umbrella sticking out the top. A dock is nestled between the handles, and a proprietary cable around back encodes games for big-screen TVs. But the piece de resistance has to be the controller shaped like a spoonful of sugar--which’ll come in handy, because this one’s awfully hard to swallow.
Finding nano
The inevitable special-edition iPod comes in the form of a reddish-orange nano with a black Click Wheel and snazzy, wavy white stripes across the front, and an engraving of one of five characters on the flipside (Nemo, Dory, Pearl, Squirt or Bruce). As if that wasn’t enough to justify Apple’s $70 premium, each special-edition iPod would come bundled with a digital copy of its namesake.
Hakuna Mac-tata
Why shouldn’t the Mac have its own theme song? Sung to the melody of Elton John’s classic, Steve sketched out a veritable marketing blitz around “Hakuna Mac-tata,” with heavy in-store rotation, free iTunes downloads, commercials and mailers built around Apple’s brand new slogan: "It means no Windows for the rest of your days."
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