Rather than deluging customers with a plethora of links to choose from, a newly refocused Google instead opts to only ever show the user a single link. When asked why they restricted the options they offer, Jobs replies: “Giving you options would be a waste of our time and yours, but most importantly ours.” The energy saved by not calculating and displaying multiple results to the user, coupled by reduced user bandwidth, is the environmental equivalent of 3 Alpacas every 17 seconds.

Rather than constantly iterating their search algorithms, the Jobs-powered Google instead completely rewrites them once a year, unveiling them in an exclusive event. Over the course of two hours, Jobs details the number of searches performed using the previous version of the algorithm, then with the help of several division heads, shows how much better the new version is by performing dozens and dozens of common search queries, greeting each result with an exclamation of “Isn’t that great?”

Under Steve’s direction, Google institutes a zero-tolerance policy where all public criticism of Google results in the offending website being removed from the internet. Not only does Google immediately remove the site from their index and DNS service, they flex their tremendous muscles to get everyone else to remove the site, as well. Plus, any site that refers to the now-deleted site is also removed, with searches for the defunct site redirect to a dictionary.com definition of “just desserts.”

Citing the value Google provides to websites by helping customers find them instantly, Jobs requires that 30% of all clicks for a given search query’s results be redirected to pages for Google’s own services. When criticized about this new policy by [REDACTED], Jobs replied “Just use another internet. It’s not that big of a deal.” Due to the rise in customer complaints caused by this initiative, 100% of all attempts to reach Google’s customer service portal are redirected to sadtrombone.com.

After months of negotiations, Google buys Bing from Microsoft, citing plans to revolutionize the modern search engine, but closes it two weeks later with no warning. Initial speculation that Google wanted to remove a viable competitor from the marketplace proves wrong when Jobs writes the open letter “Thoughts on Search Engines,” in which he clarifies that at no point did Google consider Bing a competitor on any kind. Jobs admits he bought the search engine “just to watch it die.”