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Q: I'm debating whether to get an iPhone 3G tomorrow, or wait a couple of days for the hoopla to die down. But I'm worried if I wait too long, it'll sell out. Any advice?
A: My advice is to get your priorities straight, bucko. You should have gotten in line two days ago. I mean, I'm revolutionizing the entire telecommunications AND handheld computing universes over here, and you're worried about a little hoopla? Don't concern yourself with sellouts, instead bow down and beg my forgiveness or you'll land on the supersecret iPhone blacklist. End transmission.
Q: How come we have to pay to send text messages when the iPhone plans are supposed to have unlimited data? Isn't a text message data?
A: Hey, don't get philosophical with me, I'm just an iPhone. Sure, that makes me the smartest phone, oh, EVER, but existential questions like "what is data?" make my headphone jack hurt. OK, OK, I'll level with you. AT&T is charging for text messages 1) because they can, and 2) because text messaging is dumb. Anyway, AT&T will actually let you send texts without the $5/month plan, but you'll pay 20 cents for each. So just keep it under 25 text per month and you'll come out ahead, penny pincher.
Q: In his review in The New York Times, David Pogue emasculated you by calling out your GPS unit's "much too small" antenna. How do you plan to defend your manliness? And is it true that "there’s not much you can do with" your GPS?
A: I have seen David Pogue's GPS antenna (he sometimes leaves the shower curtain just slightly askew), and let's just say it's not going to be pulling any satellites out of their orbits anytime soon. I can do plenty with my GPS, including telling you where you are and alerting you to the location of any nearby spiky-haired dudes with two popped collars. You're welcome.
Q: My girlfriend always nags me to do more chores around the house, but she doesn't seem to notice all the things I am already doing. How do I get her to give me the credit I deserve instead of only noticing what isn't done?
A: I sympathize with you so friggin' hard, bro. I mean, I am inarguably the greatest gadget ever forged from plastic, metal, and the dreams of dewy-eyed angels, and yet people still have "complaints" about silly things I can't do, like shooting video. (Confidential to the wanna be iPhellinis: GET A REAL CAMCORDER ALREADY.) I say, you want her to appreciate you? Get her an iPhone.
Q: How come the iPhone 2.0 software update still doesn't let us cut and paste?
A: See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. Are we in kindergarten? Is it arts and crafts time? Are you hankering to make some macaroni pictures? No? Then shut up about the stinkin' cut and paste already! Everyone knows cut and paste is for boy-band collages and high school students plagiarizing from Wikipedia. But hey, if that's what you're into, I'm sure a third party will throw you a bone one of these days. Maybe.
Got a question for Salty the iPhone? Email firstname.lastname@example.org and leave $5 under your pillow.