Win: January 2011



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a man and his son are in a car accident. the man is killed and the boy is taken to the hospital. as the boy enters, the attending doctor says, "that boy is my son!". who is the doctor?



A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.



Q. What was the last live number performed by the Grateful Dead?

A. Box of Rain.

Whatever is in that box, I'm certain it's not rain!



How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it

How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way



What do you call a fish with no eye?




What's red and white on the outside, and grey on the inside? Why, an inside-out elephant! (Either that, or Campbell's cream of elephant soup.) Ba-dum-bump.



Have you ever wondered why......

Why you never see a headline that reads "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why doctors call what they do a "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows you have to click on Start?

If con is the opposite of pro, then shouldn't Congress be the opposite of progress?



A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."



Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"



What do you call a deer with no eyes ? No idea. (No eye deer)

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still, no idea. (Still, no eye deer)



How many people really understand binary?

10 - you and me.




A man was trapped in a house, the house had no windows, doors, or cracks, basicly no way to get out. The only things that were in the house were a mirror, and a table, how did the man get out?


He looked in the mirror to see what he saw. he took the saw and cut the table into 2 halves. he put the halves together to make a hole, and he walked out the hole.



There is only one word in the English language with three double letters in a row? What is it?




How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None - that's a hardware problem.



How many species of animals did Moses take aboard the Ark?

Answer: None.

Moses didn't take any, Noah did.



Why did the man saw oww when he walked into a bar?

Answer: He walked into a bar


Alan Danziger

What's in the box? (I don't know the answer to this riddle, but I hope to find out!)

Instead, a joke: What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt!



For some I go fast
for others I'm slow.
To most people, I'm an obsession
relying on me is a well practiced lesson.
What am I?



Steve Gritton

A man and a dog are going down a street. The man drove, yet walked. What's the dog's name?

A: The dog's name is Yet.



What object has keys that open no locks, space but no room and you can enter but not go in?
Answer = a computer keyboard



what can you fill a cup with so it is lighter than when it is filled with air.
Answor: holes



What has 4 legs in the morning
2 legs in the afternoon
and 3 legs at night

Answor: a man (get it baby,man,old man W/cane)



Math Riddle:
Pretend you're a bus driver. On the first stop of your route, you pick up 5 passengers. On the next stop, 2 passengers get off and 3 get on. On the next stop, 1 gets off and 8 get on. On the next, 4 get off and 0 get on. And on your final stop 0 get off and 6 get on.
Question: What color are the driver's eyes?

A: Same color as yours. (Remember?... "pretend YOU"RE a bus driver") Duh!



I do not breathe, but I run and jump.
I do not eat, but I swim and stretch.
I do not drink, but I sleep and stand.
I do not think, but I grow and play.
I do not see, but you see me every day.
What am I?

Answer: i'm a leg!!!



Riddle: Imagine you are in a 30Ft hole. The sides are too smooth for climbing and all you have is 1 inch of string and a ballpoint pen. How do you get out?

Answer: Stop imagining.



And oldie, but a goodie:

A rooster was sitting on the top of a north facing house and laid an egg; what side would it fall?

Roosters don't lay eggs... ;-)




A doctor and a bus driver are both in love with the same woman, an attractive girl named Sarah. The bus driver had to go on a long bus trip that would last a week. Before he left, he gave Sarah seven apples. Why?

ANSWER: An apple a day keeps the doctor away!



When is a door not a door?

When it is ajar...



What belongs to you but others use it more than you do?

Answer: Your name



Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger's tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, "How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?"

Arnold replies: "When I was your age, I'd just play right over this tree."

Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol' Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.

Arnold replied: "Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."



There were two men, Pete and Repete
They were both on a boat and Pete jumped off. Then so did Repete.

There were two men, Pete and Repete...



Q: What is as big as you but does not weigh anything?

A: Your Shadow



there was a young boy walking down a street.

Then he steps on a landmine and dies.



Murder Suspects
A man was found murdered on Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis:
The Wife said she was sleeping.
The Cook was cooking breakfast.
The Gardener was picking vegetables.
The Maid was getting the mail.
The Butler was cleaning the closet.

The police instantly arrested the murdered. Who did it and how did they know?

Answer: It was the Maid. She said she was getting the mail. There is no mail on Sunday!



Six men are reading an issue of Mac|Life.

Man #6 jumps straight to the apps section. Man #5 grabs it and goes to the contest section.

Man #2 asks Man #5 to read aloud the contest and prize.

Man #3 Tells Man #1 to pick get on the Mac|Life site to send a letter to the editor.

Man #4 asks Man #6 to get the magazine back from Man #5.

Man #7 gets up and walks away.

Why did he walk away?

Because he was not a part of the SIX men reading the magazine



two american coins total 55 cents in value yet one of them as not a nickel.

what's the solution?

i'll provide the answer if i win! (oh, how devilish of me!)



One coin isn't a nickel... because the other coin IS the nickel.

(Devilish indeed!)



Q: What's blue and smells like red paint?
A: Blue paint.



Whatever is in my pocket?

answer: The ring of Power



My 8yr old daughter gave me this one. And yes, she is an Avid reader of MacLife. :)

A man rides into town on Friday and stays in town for three days. He then leaves on Friday.
How did he do it?

Answer: His horses name is Friday.



Dave and Brad, two popular politicians, met at a club to discuss the overthrow of their party leader. They each ordered a vodka on the rocks. Brad downed his and ordered another. He then drank his second in a gulp and decided to wait before he ordered a third. Meanwhile, Dave, who was sipping his drink, suddenly fell forward dead. Both men were setup for an assassination. Why did Dave die and Brad live?

Answer: Both Dave and Brad were given drinks with poisoned ice cubes. Brad drank his drinks so quickly that the ice didn't have time to melt and release the poison.



A man was walking through the jungle and he came across a naked dead man and a naked dead woman. He stood there regarding them and then suddenly exclaimed "My goodness! It's Adam & Eve!" What made him realize this?

Answer - they had no belly buttons.



Riddle me this...

What is the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space, the beginning of every end and the end of every race?

The Letter E.

-The Riddler (1960's Batman TV series)

Sorry, big comic nut here could not resist the chance to use one of the Riddler's Riddles.

(I have never won anything ever... Please let this be the first.)



At night they come without being fetched. By day they are lost without being stolen. What are they?

The stars.



You are in a dark, cold room with a match in your hand. you stumble around and find a wood stove, a small alcohol burner, and a candle. What do you light first?

Answer: the match



A logician vacationing in the South Seas finds himself on an island inhabited by the two, proverbial tribes of liars and truth-tellers. Members of one tribe always tell the truth, members of the other always lie. He comes to a fork in a road and has to ask a native bystander which branch he should take to reach a village. He has no way of telling whether the native is a truth-teller or a liar. The logician thinks a moment, then asks one question only. From the reply he knows which road to take. What question does he ask?

"If I were to ask you if this road leads to the village, would you say 'yes' ?" The native is forced to give the right answer, even if he is a liar! If the road does lead to the village, the liar would say "no" to the direct question, but as the question is put, he lies and says he would respond "yes." Thus the logician can be certain that the road does lead to the village, whether the respondent is a truth-teller or a liar. On the other hand, if the road actually does not go to the village, the liar is forced in the same way to reply "no" to the inquirer's question.



How many pieces of string would it take to reach the moon?

One...if it was long enough!



Why did the cafeteria clock always run slow?

Because every lunch it always went back 4 seconds.



Alive without breath,
As cold as death;
Never thirsty, ever drinking,
All in mail never clinking.
a fish



While on my way to St. Ives, I saw a man with 7 wives. Each wife had 7 sacks. Each sack had 7 cats. Each cat had 7 kittens. Kitten, cats, sacks, wives, How many were going to St. Ives?

idk the answer... haha

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