Day Four of our journey into the polished glass and aluminum jungles of Mosconia found our party exhausted and almost beyond hope -- of getting a decent latte, foodstuffs under $20, and, most importantly, what we came for: perfect specimens of MaccusExpous. This genus thrives in the glow of LEDs, conspicuous iPhone usage, and rhapsodic flights of tech lust. But as luck would have it, our fortunes changed, and there in open sight, the various species emerged before our eyes and began milling on the range. We brought not tranquilizer darts, but cameras, and are now happy to share what we found on our long sojourn into the heart of, um, well, you know.

1. The Bearded disco Cowboy: No sudden moves, as he attacks when frightened. Preferred diet? Giveaway iPod cases, the more flamboyant the better.

2. The Chambray-Flocked Braveheart: “A’yew take the ‘aigh road and Ah’ll take the low road and Ah’ll be in Expo before yew!” We don’t imagine he’s asking for leggings.

3. The Kid: When people start complaining about kids today? This is the kid they’re complaining about. Stay in school, Jimmy.

4. The ’80s All Over Again: This species is a grimacing reminder of the day when titillation ruled and trade shows were bookended by parties at “gentlemen’s clubs.” You’ll recognize her distinctive song: “Leave me alone. Just take a brochure and leave me alone.”