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I would seriously reconsider making such a rash decision over one argument. Are you willing to have them die, or die yourself, with them knowing you've disowned them?

I killed mine. And ate them.

Farmerkev wrote:

Unless we're talking about some form of abuse, it seems a bit childish and drama queen.

Hell, my grandmother beat my mother and she still takes care of her. And I can assure you its not because she's weak willed.

in other words, arsonists should use caution.

A little off topic here but kinda not ... I just read in some rag that Tori Spellings mom did not even notify her of her fathers death. She got a text message from a friend that saw it on the news. I would hope that's one news item that is not true. There is no excuse for that, and if there were ever any grounds for disowning a parent, that would be it.

"Where there's a will, there's a way."

To be read as:

"So long as there's money to inherit, there's a way to ensure you receive it."

Think carefully before severing all ties with the olds.

Seriously though, without wishing to probe++, its kinda hard to speculate whether it's worth disowning them. Not that you asked for opinion on your personal situation, but...

I can't imagine ever permanently disowning mine. I can, however, fully imagine the contrary.

tF

jondaris wrote:

So if I'm reading your post correctly, you asked your parents for help, they said no, and you threw a temper tantrum.

Um no. His original post didn't really clarify that, so it might not be a wise idea to jump out on a judgemental limb. If it's really as bad as he says it is, and he being a mature adult, then maybe he was right.

My dad died in '93 and my mom in '00

About 10 months before my mother died, I told my husband that if I never saw that hateful old woman on the living side of the coffin again, it was fine with me! I really, really did. That's very close to a quote. Now, you expect me to tell you that 6 years after her death, I'm riddled with guilt.

Nope! She pushed me until hell wouldn't have it! And, yes, I knew she was dying and probably had less than a year to live.

I did visit her a few times before her death, but each visit just made me more confident that my decision to not take her crap any more was the right one. Six years later, I just wish I'd made that decision years earlier.

I'm not advocating that you truely disown your parents. But, there are times when you HAVE to take a stand. This might be your time. If I'd taken the stand years earlier, I really believe that a healthier relationship would have eventually evolved.

Years earlier, I'd had enough crap off my older sister and cut her out of my life for 4 years! No phone calls. No birthday cards, nothing. A situation arose with my mother that dictated that my siser and I be there at the same time. My sister drove me to the airport and I blasted her the entire way. Bottom line, I told her that all I demand is that she treat me with the same common courtesy that she shows to a stranger standing in line with her at the grocery store and if she's unable to do that, then there was no reason for me to have anything to do with her. She said that she felt like she was losing a sister. I told her that I found that odd since I'd never felt like I had a sister. I had an atagonistic prosecutor, judge, and jury, but never, never a sister!

Now, 10 years (more or less) later, she and I are very, very good friends! It was a gradual thing. We had to re-work our relationship slowly and trust was the hardest part, but we really are very good friends now. It also helped that Mom died and was no longer able to fuel the feud! Took us a while to figure that one out! Mom was very good at "divide and conquer" with her kids.

My husband "stood down" his parents (specifically his dad) years ago. He was in Korea (after the shooting) for two years. His mom had to contact the Red Cross to find out where he was. His sergent called him in and told him to have a letter to his parents written and ready to mail in 30 minutes. My husband wrote, "I'm fine!" and handed it to his sergent to mail. He put himself through college on the GI bill while his sister was sent, all bills paid, to SMU, Southern Methodist University, a very expensive private university in Dallas.

My father's-in-law health is failing and it's my husband who gets the frantic calls at 10 pm. It's my husband who stops by after church to check on them. And my father-in-law, who is somewhat wealthy, knows for absolutlely sure that if he makes a wrong step, my husband will turn and walk away from him and his money in a heartbeat! As long as my f-i-law treats my husband with respect, then all is well.

Sorry about the sermon, but sometimes, you HAVE to stand them down! I'm not advocating that you disown them, but you may have to break off contact for a while. Then re-work the relationship. I've learned that if you accept crap off relatives, then that's what they're going to give you. You determine what is acceptable behavior and what is not. If they don't comply, then they lose! By the same token, they may cut you off because they feel that you're not complying with what they feel is acceptable.

Bottom line, people will give you crap only if you allow it! Sometimes the only way to disallow it, is to remove yourself from the situation.

Yes, of all the people here lagamorph is the only one who understands what I mean without going into detail, and others defended me against jondaris' silly evaluation, thank you. Everyone else who thinks I threw a temper tantrum and fled doesn't understand that I don't need another poor judgment of my character.
But I still value all your replies because they speak volumes of the kinds of parental relationships you have. Obviously nothing like mine.
So I will elaborate by saying that this time I really had enough! I did have to make them stand down and it looks like breaking contact for a while is the best move. Although I can't really say until it happens, I will stand by such a bold statement as if they were both to suddenly die tomorrow I would be relieved, throw a party, and have the same kind of reasoning as if they were both suffering terribly from extreme pain and only death would put them out of their misery. This comes from years of textbook bad parenting, unbelievable family dysfunction, all culminating in what amounts to pure psychological abuse. It is so unbelievably retarded that I could actually begin outlining a novel  or screenplay and it would no doubt be a very successful drama, except that I am living it. I am purely embarassed to call these people my parents and I am sorry they ever decided to conceive me. As heavy as all that sounds, I am perfectly fine with it becaause I have been living with it all my life, but now, after adulthood and a wife of my own, I have had enough and it must stop. I actually don't need their help at all and don't know why I even thought I did. In the last 10 years on my own I never needed asked for anything nor got any help from them, and when I say help I don't mean goods or services. Number One on my list is always moral support and encouragement before any material tangibles.As you were.
P.S. perfect examples are they treat their pet dogs with greater respect than they treat their children, they are living a lie in a marriage that should have ended in divorce over 20 years ago, my father has never spoken to me in my whole life except to say things like, "You son of a bitch!","F***in' Idiot!", "I don't know why I ever had children, they are good for nothing", and countless specific put-downs directed at pointing out a lack of any form of talent or gift, the way I "look"(he said most recently that I look like a homeless person, whatever that means, he has said I look like a woman, and that I seem to look like my body is crooked), and well, I could go on, but he thinks the smartest people on the planet are Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly. There. I think you all have enough ammunition. Of course, he may actually be absolutely correct about everything he says and believes.

Last edited by knobtwirler (2006-07-02 12:03 am)

knobtwirler wrote:

But I still value all your replies because they speak volumes of the kinds of parental relationships you have. Obviously nothing like mine..

Without knowing more about both the nature of the argument, your current financial situation, past family history, I would not want to advise you to burn a very major bridge.

My husband's mother resented his marrying me so much that she did everything in her power to try to make me miserable.  He was forced to cut her off.  Six years later, we allowed her back into our lives.  She is still very difficult, but her behavior to me, specifically, is greatly improved.
Being related to someone should not doom you to tolerating their abuse.

Ha ha! Thanks again! I know I am right because for me entire life I've been forced to pretend that we have a family that is real and loving. Just paying the bills doesn't make a family. But that is the whole of my father's evidence of being a father after i was born. Now I won't pretend and lie to them or myself anymore. My wife and I both played that horribel game out of respect, and now we've been broken by them(since me mother just acts like nothing is wrong she's an accomplice), and we cannot be mended to pretend anymore. Once again, I'm sure some of you might be able to only imagine what it is I am saying, but lagamorph, you and I obviously see eye to eye without any rubbernecking or eyestrain.