Forums | MacLife

Very, very well put. I am seriously considering printing and framing your post, KingFred. I am sure that it would be valuable advice for a myriad of children and future parents who have the ability of comprehending these "earthshattering" concepts. It is like an addendum to the manual of life, that could be prefaced with the words, "If you have wonderful parents, feel free to skip this section".

knobtwirler wrote:

I just had the most serious argument with my parents in the presence of my wife, who agrees with me 100%. Not to get into specifics, but we both agree that in the time of most need they could ony put us down and judge us. We refuse to talk to them ever again.

So! maybe this is the dumbest thread ever, but sharing personal experience in relative anonymity seems to be beneficial to the mind and spirit.

smurf em. My father was a smurf head and I havent spoken to him in decades. I could care less. I have no desire to speak to him ever. Doesn't phase me a bit. Do what you feel is just.

I think the poster really meant estrangement from the parents, not literally disowning them.

I fervently agree with steering clear from any family member whose behavior is not acceptable. It saddens me to see people who put up with stuff like that out of a misguided sense of loyalty.

I don't know about "disowning" one's parents. However, if they really are abusive it is certainly justifiable to set up some strict boundaries and distance.

Moreover, you and your wife could always take this topic to a marriage and family councilor. That'll probably provide more constructive feedback then the MAF.

punkgeek wrote:

No matter what they do, they're still your parents.

Not to pick on you Punkie, but since you've used it, I need to ask:
Can you explain what, for you, that oft-used phrase is supposed to convey, other than stating a fact?

But let's make it a little less personal. Let's set up a situation where Bob has had quite enough of his parents' constant put downs, their decades long dismissal of anything he does as "not good enough" both in plain and subtle actions like giving his brother - who they clearly prefer - all the money he needed for University while Bob has managed to put himself through college without their help (which they never offered). He owns his own successful small business and isn't, unlike brother Bill, still mooching off mom & dad as often as possible. His parents don't think anything of it and still think Bob's a failure and remind him he's still doesn't amount to much in their eyes.

He meets and marries a great gal but his parents can't stand her and never fail to throw a dig at her character when they think she's out of earshot. Or barely, Bob gets the impression they expect her to hear their put downs.

So one day, Bob has heard one nasty, castigating remark too many and tell his parents to shut the hell up or leave, which they promptly do. "You got a mouth on you, jackass" says pop as he walks out the door. Bill, of course, give Bob crap for upsetting the 'rents, but Bob knows he has an ulterior motive: he has a nice cushy ride and would do anything to keep the cash cow flowing and his position as golden boy unchecked.

So what exactly is Bob supposed to get from some friend repeating the old saw "But they're still your parents!". This isn't news, he knows they're his parents.

But what's the phrase supposed to imply?

Personally, I see a big, enormous overstuffed chunk of GUILT there that's tossed at you and is supposed to make you toe the socially accepted line, regardless of the crap you've had to put up with. 

What say you (or anyone else who wants to pipe in)?

MacBoy4139 wrote:

I think anyone who hasn't seen their parents in so long should visit funerals more often.  You'll find the person who hasn't seen their family in 30 years up on the alter crying and balling to the point where they have to be physically removed.

My point?  It's tough talk now, but I would give anything for another moment with my now deceased mother.

I'm sorry for your loss, MacBoy.

knobtwirler wrote:

Oh yes, I always feel bad for people who actually missed their parents when they were gone. My heart goes out to you, as in most cases it is like losing a best friend. In my case however, you know that friend you had from a long time ago that keeps calling you and you wish you could figure out a way to just get rid of them forever and leave you alone because you have so moved past that point in your life when you met that friend? That's how I feel about my parents, but there's more that I won't bore you with.

A good buddy of mine had to leave his folks because they were meth addicts. Sure, they're clean up every once and a while, and they'd have they're stints in rehab, but they never really got their act together. Staying in that environment caused more harm then good for my friend.

As smurfy as it may sound, there is only so much one person can do. If you've tried your best and things are still persistently destructive you may need to distance yourself considerably.

I'd miss my mother or sister if they died. They were truly family and that holds a strong value for me. However, I wouldn't miss my biological father, which I have disowned in every sense. He may be related but I'd never consider him family. I wouldn't regret it if he were to drop dead and I were there to see it or it happened and I totally missed it.

I'll let you all know what I think of my parents, when my wife and I announce a new baby to them (possibly within a year...)  Their reaction will determine my relationship with them for the rest of their lives.

I wish I could say that they will be elated about the news...  but I can't.  I'll settle for "Well, it's a little early, isn't it?  Contratulations anyway!"  Anything less will result in my wife tearing off their heads.

jeff-o wrote:

I'll let you all know what I think of my parents, when my wife and I announce a new baby to them (possibly within a year...)  Their reaction will determine my relationship with them for the rest of their lives.

I wish I could say that they will be elated about the news...  but I can't.  I'll settle for "Well, it's a little early, isn't it?  Contratulations anyway!"  Anything less will result in my wife tearing off their heads.

About having kids, I am afraid that what my parents have put to me over the years will just duplicate itself on my children if I have any, and they will no doubt hate me. I say this because my father's father is the grand creator of my father's way of being. Therefore, unless somehow I know I can straighten myself out 100% after I've been put into a broken cast, I won't be having any children.

I agree with you and your wife. If they are not genuinely elated about it, why should they even have the priveleges of being with your children until they are falling over backwards to be with them? Of course, if they bought you a house to live in because of it, it would be like a binding contract, but what kind of parents would do that? Oh, lots of them...

knobtwirler wrote:

jeff-o wrote:

I'll let you all know what I think of my parents, when my wife and I announce a new baby to them (possibly within a year...)  Their reaction will determine my relationship with them for the rest of their lives.

I wish I could say that they will be elated about the news...  but I can't.  I'll settle for "Well, it's a little early, isn't it?  Contratulations anyway!"  Anything less will result in my wife tearing off their heads.

About having kids, I am afraid that what my parents have put to me over the years will just duplicate itself on my children if I have any, and they will no doubt hate me. I say this because my father's father is the grand creator of my father's way of being. Therefore, unless somehow I know I can straighten myself out 100% after I've been put into a broken cast, I won't be having any children.

I agree with you and your wife. If they are not genuinely elated about it, why should they even have the priveleges of being with your children until they are falling over backwards to be with them? Of course, if they bought you a house to live in because of it, it would be like a binding contract, but what kind of parents would do that? Oh, lots of them...

I applaud your sense of responsibility in this matter...  a lot of people would say, "I'll be different," only to lapse into the same pattern of behaviour.  There are billions of people who are able to continue the species, so don't feel bad that you aren't "contributing."

Oh, and we've made it a point to accept as little help from my parents as possible, so that they don't have anything to hold over our heads later on.  We're two days away from buying our first house, and we're going to be scraping the bottom of our money barrels for a few months.  But, we will have done it without help, and that's the point...

When I finally do talk to my parents, I will tell them I am serious about family couseling if they want to continue talking to me. Otherwise they will be forcing me to pretend that they are right about everything and there is nothing wrong with our family.
The comments about what this is doing to us(me and my wife) are appreciated, but our marriage is not at all at risk or souring. My parents either need a marriage counselor or a divorce, another point I will seriously discuss with them. So far my mother is calling me and leaving messages about how this hurts them and they are worried about me and my problems. What this means is that they have twisted our argument into me being in trouble and them being 100% correct and justified. It's going to take a bit longer for them to figure it out...

MrJ in OZ wrote:

I got married overseas, and my parents didn't know about it until x-mass when I went to see them. I brought my new wife and surprised them. My father’s reaction was " Y'know, in this family we don't get divorced." That was the first thing otta his mouth. And he said that with a glare of suspicion and disgust on his face. I shoulda punched him square in the face for that. The only reason I didn't was cause my wife was there. That was  not only disrespectful to me, but my wife too and that REALLY sets me off.

You didn't think announcing your marriage after you were married was disrespectful to them?