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Umm...if she is making twice what you are, then why can't she afford an apartment?  Maybe you could find out what really irks her tater* so to speak.  Then you can do that all the time so she gets fed up and leaves on her own.  You can be annoying if you want, right? 


*I really love the phrase "that really irks my tater".  I still can't remember where I heard that....

All I can suggest is you and your husband get some counseling together.
His mother is blackmailing her son into housing her and someone needs to open his eyes and it can really help having a third party facilitate communication.
If she were sick, injured or for some reason honestly unable to suport herself it would be one thing but sounds like she just wants a free ride and you are it right now.

It was a point of contention then but this time she blatantly brought a large ashtray into her room and the whole place smells of cheap cigarettes.

Buy her better cigarette's.

Orion wrote:

Umm...if she is making twice what you are, then why can't she afford an apartment?  Maybe you could find out what really irks her tater* so to speak.  Then you can do that all the time so she gets fed up and leaves on her own.  You can be annoying if you want, right? 


*I really love the phrase "that really irks my tater".  I still can't remember where I heard that....

She said she got evicted, not that she couldn't afford a place. Once you get evicted, it's hard to find someone that will rent to you.


Nanny, i know it's no consolation, but the smell DOES come out.

Usually, the ones that offer the ultimatum are the ones that lose.

resedit wrote:

nannyandnutro wrote:

macnuke wrote:

your husband needs to choose.
you or mom.. but both ain't happening.
it's your marriage.
look him in the eye and ask what's more important.
there is no gray area in this question... mom, or no mom.
m

That sounds absolutely right in theory but not practice.  Everyone in her family really believes she could kill herself at any time.

She's using that against them.

That's quite true, but you (nannyandnutro) can use this. You might have to weather bad feelings from the rest of your husband's family if it comes to this, but if your mother-in-law ever threatens suicide then call the police. I presume that you and your husband are not psychology professionals and cannot evaluate what her state of mind is (even if one or both of you are psych pros, being related brings in all sorts of complications). Being threatened with confinement for psychological evaluation may have appropriate illuminating effects: if she doesn't consent to go, then you can bolster your argument that the threat is merely a ploy; if she does go, then she will be getting the psychiatric and medical help that she needs.

On the other hand: I'm not a psych pro either, and I'm not on the scene. I only offer this as one possible way out of (part of) your troubles.

Rat poison in the coffee.  Nobody ever gets caught.

Nanny, is your MIL related to my mother by any chance? The problem with people who threaten suicide is that their coddled and treated like they're special. My mother did this constantly, right up until I moved out of California. If you really, honestly think she'll do it, call 911. Tell them that she's threatening to kill herself and that you want her admitted for 72 hour observation. She needs help and fast. She has problems - getting kicked out of her apartment is just one sign she has a problem if she makes twice as much as you do and can't keep a place to live. Why was she thrown out? Non payment of rent?

The fact is, she needs serious help and is refusing to do it unless you 'help' her. Give her an ultimatum. Find a place and keep it. If she doesn't, she can go back to living at the rescue mission. Your husband has to understand that there are times when you have to cut the strings. This is one of them.

It would be expensive, but probably worth it, if you moved out yourself.....wonder how long hubby would let that happen if he was on his own.

People only take advantage if you let them.

There is a saying among my people...

Rope

Shovel

Lime

nannyandnutro wrote:

Sure, you're all going to tell me to kick her out on her ass.

Geez, how'd ya guess?

She has threatened suicide everytime the going gets rough since my husband and his siblings were kids; he's afraid that might push her over the edge so an eviction by me is out of the question.  Internally, I know that she has no mental illness and would never go through with it. She's only happy when things are going awry. Can I say that to my husband?  Not a chance.

Tough situation, but unless you are willing to seriously confront your husband about this, you have two choices:

Live with it and quit bitchin',
or
Leave and quit bitchin'.

This is also good advice. I know because I've had to do it:

D'Eyncourt wrote:

That's quite true, but you (nannyandnutro) can use this. You might have to weather bad feelings from the rest of your husband's family if it comes to this, but if your mother-in-law ever threatens suicide then call the police. I presume that you and your husband are not psychology professionals and cannot evaluate what her state of mind is (even if one or both of you are psych pros, being related brings in all sorts of complications). Being threatened with confinement for psychological evaluation may have appropriate illuminating effects: if she doesn't consent to go, then you can bolster your argument that the threat is merely a ploy; if she does go, then she will be getting the psychiatric and medical help that she needs.

On the other hand: I'm not a psych pro either, and I'm not on the scene. I only offer this as one possible way out of (part of) your troubles.

Chances are the cops won't cart her off unless she is either violent, or says something in their presence about harming herself or others, but maybe the humiliation will do the trick. Maybe she will stay and behave like an adult, or leave in a tantrum.

Okay, so now I need to know she's related to our former roommate as well. The woman cannot take accountabilty of her actions. She's delusional if she thinks that hurting the landlord's feelings is going to do any good. I'm surprised that there's any place at all that will take her as a tenant with a record like that.

Not only give her the ultimatium that she can stay until she finds a new place, do it in writing and have her sign it. Also tell her that as long as she lives there, she needs to pay her share of the rent, food and any utilities. Put this in writing too. Should she come up with some excuse, just show her the paperwork she signed reminding her of this.

If she refuses, tell her that she has until a certain date (at least 30 days), make a note of it and stick by your guns. You and your husband must be agreed on this. Let her say what she will, let her get pissy, let her make her threats. She needs to learn that she cannot make threats and think that you'll back down everytime she does.