Newsweek recently examined whether the episodes of Seinfeld still hold up 10 years later. After I got over the shock that "yikes, that was 10 years ago? I am friggin' old," I thought it was a nice article -- everyone loves Seinfeld, it's fun to look back, yadda yadda yadda. But Mac|Life dares to ask the deeper, more important, and far, far geekier question:

Would the episodes of Seinfeld hold up if the characters had access to iPhones?

Well, do they? To borrow a phrase from closer to the show's time, I think they do. Not.

Heh. Look, I'm not bagging on the best sitcom of all time (and I thought Newsweek's "Legend or Loser?" headline was a little much -- there are a few stops in between, aren't there?), but very little from 10 years ago could hope to hold a candle to such a technological wonder. They didn't even have iPods back then. Bondi Blue iMacs, dude, and that was the same year the show ended. Seinfeld is still awesome.

Anyway, let's take a look at a few classic episodes to see how the plots wind up after they've been trampled upon by the iPhone 3G's unique footprint. 

 

 

The Chinese Restaurant (206)

The entire premise of this classic episode is that Jerry, Elaine, and George are waiting for a table at a Chinese restaurant, on their way to see a bad movie (Plan 9 from Outer Space, actually a real movie, as opposed to many fake ones mentioned in later episodes, directed by Ed Wood). This is a notable case study in that nearly everything that happened within the 22-minute story would likely have not occurred if the characters owned iPhones.

First of all, the restaurant. They might not have even picked that hole if they'd been using the iPhone to look up the movie theater's location in Google Maps. Then any number of apps -- Where, iWant, UrbanSpoon -- could help them find a better place to eat.

And of course, we saw George freak out ("You know we're LIVING! In a SOCIETY!") when he had trouble using the pay phone to call Cynthia. Later, Cynthia actually tried to call George back at the restaurant (who does that anymore?), and the host called "Cartwright" instead of "Costanza," ensuring hilarity would ensue. Of course, an iPhone-toting George makes his call without problems, at the same time Elaine and Jerry use Yelp to complain about the restaurant's incredibly slow service and seating the other guy ahead of them.

Even the part where Jerry and George offer to pay Elaine $50 to eat an egg roll off someone's else's table could have been drastically changed with iPhones. George would have been snapping pictures of her embarrassment, and if she had actually pulled off the stunt, she could collect from Jerry even if he didn't have cash, thanks to a little thing called PayPal.

Then, of course, there's The Pez Dispenser...

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The Pez Dispenser (314)

iPhones give you any number of hiarious ways to while away a piano recital -- you won't need the ol' Pez-dispenser-on-the-leg trick to make your friends guffaw. Just show them a hilarious picture you made in Finger Paint, start chuckin' beef with Cow Toss, or even whip out the ol' Tiny Violin (not a euphemism). How about Jared at the opera? Obviously if Jerry had an iPhone, either Elaine would  be desensitized to the whole shebang, or neither of them could go to recitals together ever again, period.

And who could forget...

 

The Phone Message (207)

Sneaking into someone's apartment to steal the tape from their answering machine? That would never work today, of course. (And to be fair, this episode dates way back to early 1991.) But if George's girlfriend had the iPhone, he'd be be even more sunk, as she would notice his messages in Visual Voicemail, listen to them first, and bust him in record time.

Still not convinced? There's more...

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In The Sponge (709), Elaine's search for sponges would be VASTLY aided by a trusty iPhone 3G. Simply search the built-in Maps app for nearby drugstores, click the phone numbers to call each one, and save yourself a lot of legwork, Laney. Or she can just go buy them on drugstore.com.

 

In The Stock Tip (105), Jerry and George invest in some stock, and Jerry is very stressed about it, always looking for a newspaper to obsessively check and re-check the price. A newspaper, aw! Hmmm, one of the iPhone's default applications is a Stocks checker. Bloomberg makes a nice one too, we hear. How handy.

 

In the classic episode The Parking Garage (306), they'd have no trouble finding their car thanks to the iPhone's Notes application. Sure, you can't sync the notes to your Mac or even to MobileMe for some insane reason that no one in the universe can properly explain (it's like those hip musicians and their complicated shoes), but your iPhone can remember what level and section you parked in. Presuming you remembered to make a note in the first place.

To be continued! Like that funny one where Morty lost his wallet.

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In The Bizarro Jerry (803), George tells people that a photo of Elaine's attractive friend (the pictured Man Hands) is his dead fiancee, to win sympathy from some models and entree into their "forbidden city." Then his blow dryer ruins the picture, and when Elaine can't get him another one, he cuts one out of a magazine and is busted. Since people carry their photos on their phones and other gadgets now, this would either be much easier (since he could find a hot chick on the Internet, tap and hold the photo in Safari to save it to his iPhone's Camera Roll, and say she's his dead finacee) or much harder (because the lack of hard evidence would keep the models from falling for the story altogether -- I mean, come on).

 

And what about The Bubble Boy? (407) While Jerry following George instead of having his own directions is kind of weak premise anyway, with the iPhone 3G they could both map out directions to the Bubble Boy's house so easily. And when George drove too fast and Jerry lost him, they could just...well, call each other, duh. (I like to have Google Calendar send me an SMS with the address and even a map link if I'm going somewhere new.) Plus, that whole nasty business with the Moops? Easily avoided thanks to Safari.

 

The Implants (419): While we're on the subject, Safari and our old pal Google can solve all kinds of bets, even Kramer's insistence that he saw Salman Rushdie at the health club. (The iPhone's camera might come in handy here too. For Rushdie, not Sidra.)

 

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The Marine Biologist (513): If Testikov had thrown Elaine's iPhone out the window of the limo, Carol Kane wouldn't have tried to find her and have her medical bills paid -- she would have just kept the iPhone.

 

The Hot Tub (705): Jean-Paul Jean-Paul -- best tertiary character name ever -- wouldn't oversleep and miss his marathon even when Kramer's hot tub motor blew the apartment buildng's power. Because, apparently unlike all clocks and watches way back in this episode's time, the iPhone features BOTH a helpful alarm function AND the blackout-resistance of batteries.

...

As long as you charge it every day or so.

 

[Laugh track]

 

That's it for me; you've been great! Good night!