What do dirty laundry, illegal gambling, deep fried duck tongues, and the iPhone have in common?  On any given day, you can walk down a narrow, dark and smelly alley in Shanghai and partake in any one of these magical delights.  

Shanghai, the most populous city, in the most populous country in the world, should be a shining beacon of the Communist party. After nine days in China, Communism is more propaganda than reality when everyone, and I mean everyone, is trying to sell you something.

So when we first arrived, I figured finding my object of ironic lust, a knock off iPhone, would be a cinch. For days I waited patiently, passing on the "real" Rolex watches, "real" silk scarves, picture books of the Forbidden City, an endless stream of street vendors with postcards, hats, shirts, flutes, fans, umbrellas, jade, shoes, Buddhas, dragons, embroidery, duck tongues, duck feet, and any other random duck part you can imagine, and as delicious as duck may be, all I wanted was a knockoff iPhone.  

On the eighth day we entered a massive street market in Shanghai, our tour guide assured me that this was the castle that housed my Holy Grail. Where all my faux iPhone dreams would come true... Oh, and to watch out for pick pockets. We were set loose in the market and immediately women with small laminated papers descended on us.  Gucci, Coach, Armani, Rolex, Polo, pictures of bags, purses wallets, watches, these little laminated papers were a preview of what these industrious women had in their shops.

Even children are aware of dark-alley dangers.

The ladies in our group were very interested in this designer smorgasbord, so we were off. We followed a small Chinese woman through the market place, down the street, past shops, through shops, past restaurants, past McDonalds (which by the way has these delicious pineapple pies), and finally, into a dark alley. We've all heard the stories and seen the movies, about what happens when you follow someone into a dark alley, or when you talk to a stranger. This was a stranger leading us down a dark alley. So we did what any braggadocio American would do, we went for it.

After scurrying around a corner and through hanging laundry, we came upon a large metal crack-house door. Our guide knocked on the large door, a pair of eyes peeked out, looked us over, and seconds later we were in a designer hand-bag shop hidden in a back alley in Shanghai. Intense negotiations began over a large pile of luxury brand suitcases, purses and wallets. I can appreciate a designer wallet as much as the next guy, which is not really at all, so I did my best to pantomime to the small Chinese woman who led us here that I wanted to buy a fake iPhone. After a painful multi-lingual sign language experiment, she understood my quest and we were off again. She was on her cell phone, leading us deeper into the back alleys of Shanghai. Imagine the caves in the David Bowie film, Labyrinth. Now imagine those caves with the aroma of duck cooked in sewer water, illegal gambling, perpetual mahjong games happening around every corner, fewer dancing trolls, more dirty laundry, and a small group of nervous Americans in the place of Jennifer Connelly.  

Another alley, this is how those stories that end in a bathtub full of ice begin.

We finally emerged back onto the main street. A few doors down we catch a glimpse of a woman waving an iPhone box out of the entrance of yet another dark alley. Actually, I hesitate to call this one an alley, it was more of a foreboding urban cave. A little city spelunking never hurt anyone right? Into the cave! We came upon another large metal crack-house door, this one had locks on the inside, and outside, how reassuring. The metal door swung open and behold, my Holy Grail, iPhones, iPod classics, iPod nanos, flash drives, and of course, more designer purses.  

Inside I met my negotiating nemesis. In China you haggle for everything. All purchases are up for negotiation, and I love it. The feeling you get when you secure a great deal after haggling is like pulling off the perfect flaming uppercut during a rousing game of Street Fighter. It's nice, real nice. The saleswoman was delivering her pitch about the "iPhone," pointing out that it said it was designed by Apple in California. It didn't phase her when I pulled out my iPhone 3G  and politely pointed out, no, this is a real iPhone. I stopped being polite and laughed when she said she wanted $350 for the obvious fake.

Let's make a deal

We went through the traditional Chinese bargaining ritual, I offered $75, she said that it would be impossible to part with the "iPhone" at that price. I tried to leave and she pulled me back. Repeat this process for fifteen more minutes, add a huge adrenaline rush, and I secured a fake iPhone, and a functional, but fake, iPod nano for $130.  

An official Chinese faux iPhone. Oh nice, it has Bluetooth.

As I trekked out of the cave, my quest complete, I felt like I had really accomplished something. I was really coming to understand this place. Then I realized that the soft squishiness under my feet, was probably some sort of bodily fluid, so I got the hell out of there and back to the group on the main street.

No trip to China is complete without completing two tasks, taking a walk on the Great Wall, and negotiating a back-alley deal for counterfeit merchandise in Shanghai.