Office life in the technology sector is fraught with peril--and exposure to extreme irony isn’t the only hazard that can bring you down. So, in the interest of public safety, we have prepared the following list of advisories for any cubicle drone working in a nerd-heavy environment. Read on as we follow our own Mac|Life tech geeks--as well as safety scofflaws from Maximum PC, GamesRadar and Official Xbox Magazine--as they brave the dangerous foot paths and conference rooms of Future US HQ.

1. Use Green Lasers Responsibly

Handheld lasers aren’t just for amusing cats and capturing the attention of airplane pilots. They’re also great for forming bonds with co-workers. The following exchange should ring familiar:

Co-worker: Cut it out!
You: Hah-hah-hah. Heh.
Co-worker: Dickweed.
You: Douchebucket.
Co-worker: You’re a total wad, dude. You won’t be laughing after you've turned my eyes into soft-boiled eggs.
You: Hah-hah-hah. Heh.

Just be aware that compared to red lasers -- which have about as much destructive power as a small bag of cotton balls -- green lasers pose a greater risk for injury. For this reason, one should employ caution when using green lasers in common office-geek applications. When enjoying games of Eye Blinders, Air Scribble Extreme, and Pin the Dot on the Webmonkey, take care to avoid shining a green laser beam in your co-worker’s eyes.

Has the Maclife.com staff learned its lesson? Only time -- and a lifelong regimen of eye exams -- will tell. From left to right: Leslie “Left Eye” Ayers, Ray “My Eye! My Eye!” Aguilera, and Robbie “Why Is It Dark All of the Sudden?” Baldwin.



2. Beware of Falling Action Figures



It’s a cruel irony of municipal planning: We choose to build homes on the quiet retreat of rolling hillsides, yet these very hillsides often crumble upon us, leaving only destruction and broken dreams in their wake. And so it goes with action figures. Who wouldn’t want to work beneath the sweeping vista of Batman, Chewbacca and about 180 more of their 6-inch-tall buddies? It’s like having ComiCon as your upstairs neighbors -- and that’s prime real estate, Jimmy.

Should you be so lucky as to have your desk situated beneath an action figure community, take proper precautions. Install a modest plexiglas fence along the easement of the action figure zone, or wear an OSHA-certified hard hat when working at your desk (and have extra hard hats on hand for visitors).


Gamesradar.com editor Brett Elston lives in constant danger of “death by pointy edge.” Indeed, even a single, solid thunk to the side of his cubicle divider could unleash a fury of falling fantasy figures -- a virtual polypropylene Vietnam raining down upon his head.



3. Never Give Launch Sequence Codes to Artificially Intelligence Life Forms



Artificial Intelligence has many useful applications in the commercial geekspace. Office elevators can monitor and adjust to traffic patterns. Printers can alert you when you’re running low on ink. And even computer-controlled Texas Hold’em can do a serviceable job of mimicking a real-life player, making those blousy-drowsy work hours just a bit more fun and rewarding.

Yes, artificial intelligence can be our friend. We nonetheless caution you to withhold all launch sequence codes from artificially intelligent life forms. Such codes include, but are not limited to, those for nuclear attacks, self-replicating weapons systems, and any evolutionary model that consigns humankind to serving as an energy source for mechanized hymenoptera. Not all artificially intelligent life forms pose problems, but unless you want to be known around the office as “the guy who destroyed mankind,” then just keep the proverbial car keys to yourself.


“No, don’t worry about me, Leslie. I still have a few pieces of work I need to finish up. You just go home and enjoy dinner with your family. I’ll close up around here.”



4. Cable Management Saves Lives



It always starts innocently enough: Your Ethernet cable becomes entwined with your power strip. Then some speaker cabling is mistakenly routed through the intersection of the two. Add in the cables and cords for all your other tech toys, and you have a gauntlet of trip wires that would ensnare even Shaobo Qin from “Ocean’s Eleven.” To avoid disaster, zip-tie all your cables in neat bunches, and then keep those bunches away from heavy foot traffic zones.

You might wanna tie those shoelaces, too. Or maybe get some slip-ons?


We give you Maclife.com editor Roberto Baldwin – beloved husband, admired co-worker, and another casualty in America’s ongoing battle against cabling chaos.

5. Beware of Quickpeanuts



Formed by the distributed aggregate of styrofoam packing peanuts, pools of quickpeanuts develop in environments where tech toys are frequently removed from aftermarket shipping containers. The more tech toys a geek purchases and separates from its packaging, the more likely that this environmental hazard will develop. Quickpeanuts have claimed the lives of numerous tech geeks, so keep a tidy lab. Relegate packing peanuts to appropriate sluice gates, and watch your step to avoid becoming another statistic.


No, it’s not the final scene from “Carrie: The Refurb Notebook Warehouse Edition.” What we have here is a Mac|Life editor struggling in a pool of quickpeanuts. It took four or five hours, but he eventually got bored and climbed out.




6. All Toy Weapons Should Be Tagged as Such



It’s a common, every day scenario: You’re working quietly at your desk, and suddenly a former employee rushes past your cubicle, wildly swinging a samurai sword and screaming that everyone’s going to die for stealing his pudding cups – this despite the fact that a sign in the refrigerator expressly advised everyone that his pudding cups were off limits.

You fear for your life, so you reach for whatever weapon is within arm’s length. Maybe a broad sword or some type of automatic rifle. With weapon in hand, you rush out to confront the madman -- only to discover that your armament is a mere toy, some non-lethal tchotchke designed to market a new role-playing game or first-person shooter. The former employee chops off your legs and your day is ruined.

Scenarios like the one described above can be avoided if you properly label all toy weaponry with the universal symbol for feckless buffoonery – the blissfully incapable circus clown. That way, next time you reach for a broadsword, you’ll know whether it came from a proper bladesmith or the PR team behind Everquest II.


Behold the MaximumPC.com Anti-Intruder Strike Force – each armed with a sword of dubious pedigree. From left to right: Alex Castle, associate online editor; Nathan Edwards, associate editor; and Norman Chan; online editor. Norm is an avid PC gamer, but he doesn’t even play MMOs --so the fact that he’ll likely die clutching an ersatz MMO sword is somewhat ironic.


7. Aim For the Chest



NERF weapons provide much more than just playtime fun -- they’re also effective tools for expressing contempt for an office mate’s inane comments and general asswipery. Indeed, when a coworker utters something so annoying or pointless that you’re compelled to stuff your own ears with burning hot cinders, a quick NERF strike in his direction can let him know, “Hey, buddy, you suck. And now you must die.”

Due to the increasingly strong firepower of NERF armaments, however, it is essential that you aim for your co-worker’s chest, and not for his eyes or piehole. While chest shots don’t provide any opportunity to inflict actual pain or cause a lifetime of “twitch eye,” they generally pass the muster of Human Resources departments, and respect the terms of most Internecine Office Warfare pacts.


Senior editor Susie Ochs has been implicated by Mac|Life as an interoffice nerd weapons dealer. She is wanted on three floors, and is considered extremely dangerous (in a geeky, non-lethal kind of way).

8. Use Caution When Entering Flux Capacitor Discharge Zones



While flux capacitors once required installation in a DeLorean DMC-12 sports coupe, these time-traveling devices can now be positively discharged in laboratory environments, thereby posing new risks to an office-bound geek workforce. When working in or traveling through a Flux Capacitor Discharge Zone, make sure to respect a 15-foot perimeter around the device. Failure to maintain a safe distance could result in immediate disposition to 15th Century China, or worse, a reliving of United States history, 2000 through the present.


Official Xbox Magazine senior associate editor Ryan McCaffrey is Future US’s own onsite Certified Flux Capacitor Technician (CFCT). With years of experience in OSHA-approved flux dispersal, he is the only Future US employee qualified to manipulate time/space relationships.



9. Cut Away From the Blister Pack

The blister pack has become the defacto packaging solution for any nerd-class gizmo or gadget that can be comfortably cradled in a single hand. Blister packs are durable, space-efficient, inexpensive to produce, and tamper- and theft-resistant. They are also impossible to open without the aid of industrial-grade metal shears. Nonetheless, office geeks are wont to attempt blister pack separation with lesser tools: common scissors, letter openers, xacto knives, etc. While Maclife.com discourages this practice, we will still issue an advisory to those insist on living on the edge: Cut AWAY From the Blister Pack.

Plastic kills, Timmy.

Follow the example of Mac|Life reviews editor Ray Aguilera, and wear eye protection during blister pack separation maneuvers. Indeed, 6,000 Americans visit the emergency room every year as a result of blister pack misadventures. We kid you not – 6,000. It’s true. Because we read it on Wikipedia.




10. Control Cheetos Dust – It’s Combustible



Students of industrial disaster are well aware of the explosive properties of dust. Airborne suspensions of powdered coal, metal, flour, sugar and sawdust have all ignited to catastrophic results. In fact, any type of dust particles less than 500 micrometers in diameter pose a threat. So, if you think your dust-producing Cheetos are a benign snack food, somehow exempt from the laws of physics, you’re wrong -- horribly, horribly wrong.

Any enclosed work area where Cheetos are consumed on a regular basis should be regularly swept and dusted. And control your Bugles dust too.


Behold, the cheesy orange peril.