One man. Twenty-one apps. Some ludicrous. Some useful. All worth taking a look at over the next few pages of this article.
Silliness is good - it keeps us from getting too puffed up, too self-important. As noted goofball-philospher Ludwig Wittgenstein said, "If people did not sometimes do silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done." As cross-dressing playwright Charles Ludlum observed, "You are the living mockery of your own ideals. If not, you've set your ideals too low." And, as Clarabell the Clown put it ... uh .... well ... okay, Clarabell didn't say much, just tooted a bicycle horn and squirted a seltzer bottle - but you get what I mean.
The first dozen or so years of the Mac's life were fertile times for inspired silliness. Those were the years of The Talking Moose (which lives on as Uli's Moose), Jared (which has been ported over into a far-too-slick Mac OS X version), Sim Stapler (which you can still find in Mac OS 9 and X versions on Freeverse's site), and a whole lot more.
The Mac's "all grown up" now - and although its maturity may have brought us heretofore unimaginable power, wireless everything, and the unbridled ability to create, share, and enjoy, some of us miss the good ol' days of a little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down the pants (thanks, Chuckles).
Luckily, one intrepid developer - John Schilling of Oakland, California - maintains the fine balance of silliness, self-effacing modesty, in-your-face disregard for too-delicate sensibilities, and programming chops that have inspired the pantheon of Mac-ephemera coders. On his eponymous website, John has a collection of 21 apps that range from the mildly - though wonderfully - offensive (MacBarfX, Poop Alerts, and PowerOrgasm X) to the - horrors! - actually useful (BwanaDik and Smell-O-Mints).
In true SilliMac™ tradition, John informs all visitors to his website that "All software is 159% free. It's all 159% useless, too." Most apps carry a disclaimer such as "I make no guarantees about this app. It may destroy you, your computer, your friends computer, your cat, your credit rating, etc. I am in no way responsible for ANYTHING tragic happening to you or anyone you choose to torture with this app. Use at your own risk." In the land of the astutely loony, that's as it should be: You pays your money (in this case $0.00) and you takes your chances.
So we've rounded up all 21 of John's current apps, and have hosted them on our server so that we don't burden the poor guy with bandwidth fees. Don't think of us as poachers - as John writes on his site "You may redistribute [my software] as you see fit, without notification to myself, as long as no fee is collected," and "Actually, I would prefer it if you just left me alone. Really." That's the good ol' Mac Pirate spirit: Screw licensing agreements, just download, install, and enjoy. Or not. Your call.
Oh, but there is one final note: Although John doesn't charge for his software, he's more than willing to accept donations to help pay his bandwidth bills. If you enjoy one of his apps (or two; or three), drop the dude a couple of bucks. He's being generous with his apps - you could at least be a little generous with your cash.
So pop on over to the next few pages in this posting and check out John's collection, liberally sprinkled with quotes from his website.
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JOHN SCHILLING'S 21 OUTLANDISH APPS
1. MacBarfX 1.1 - rude noises
Requirements: Mac OS 10.3 or later
"MacBarfX is a port of a very, very old System 7 extension for the Macintosh, called MacBarf (sometimes called MacPuke). It was one of my favorite useless apps for the Classic Mac OS. When running, your Macintosh will emit a barfing sound any time a disk is ejected. This isn't a Haxie. The APIs for notification of an ejected disk are published by Apple. This app will do no harm to your system."
"Simply double click the MacBarfX icon. It's a faceless background app, so it will look as if nothing has happened. Now mount and then eject a disk. If you wish to quit MacBarfX, simply open up a Terminal window and type: killall QUIT "MacBarf"
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2. The Lonesome Electric Chicken 3.1 - philosophical fowl
Requirements: Mac OS 10.4 or later "and an open mind"
"The Lonesome Electric Chicken is a time and life wasting application that spews forth a gathering of quotations. That's it. Don't look any farther into it than that."
"Currently there are only about 70 quotes in the chicken pile. These are quotations that appeal to me personally, and may not jive with your own individual tastes. Some folks may enjoy them, others will most assuredly not. The Lonesome Electric Chicken is not intended to be a spiritually or morally uplifting application, although you may find it to be so anyway."
"Why is The Lonesome Electric Chicken? Because I have no girlfriend, obviously. And after writing this app, it is highly unlikely that I ever will."
"Quoth the Chicken? Nevermore."
DOWNLOAD THE LONESOME ELECTRIC CHICKEN 3.1
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3. Poop Alerts 2.2 - network-based canine scatology
Requirements: Mac OS 10.3 or later
"Poop Alerts is client/server application set that pops up Triumph the Insult Comic Dog on a remote computer, and then poops on it. The client (Poop Alert Client, the app with the gray icon) runs hidden in the background of any Macintosh unfortunate enough to be installed on. The admin app (Poop Alert Admin) then connects to this client over the network, and poops on it."
For information on how to use Poop Alerts, check out - of all things! - How do I use Poop Alerts?
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4. PowerOrgasm X 1.3 - climactic laptop utility
Requirements: Mac OS 10.2 or later
"PowerOrgasm X is a port of an old System 7 extension for the Macintosh, called PowerOrgasm. When running, your Macintosh laptop will have an orgasm (Meg Ryan from When Harry Met Sally) any time the power cord is plugged in."
"First, this app only works with laptop Macs, like the PowerBook and iBook. Don't even bother with it if you don't have a Mac with a battery. Now, to use it, simply double click the PowerOrgasm icon. It's a faceless background app, so it will look as if nothing has happened. If your laptop is currently plugged into the power supply, unplug it so it's running on battery power. Now plug the power cord back in. Viola! To quit PowerOrgasm X, simply open up the Terminal application and type in: killall QUIT "PowerOrgasm" If that doesn't work, simply choose "Log Out" from the Apple menu, then log back in. You can also kill it using the Activity Monitor application found in /Applications/Utilities."
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5. BwanaDik 3.0.4 - useful IP info
Requirements: Mac OS 10.3 or later
"BwanaDik is an IP address (WAN and LAN) menu item. Yes, another IP address app. Just what the world needs."
"You may be asking yourself 'why the heck does the world need another IP address application?' Well, it doesn't. But I did. I looked all over for an IP address app that met my needs, and never found one. So I wrote my own."
"See, I work at a coffee shop that has a really crappy DSL line, and an even crappier Airport Base Station. The connection comes and goes every 5 minutes. And there is nothing more frustrating than opening up Safari and typing in a search in the google bar only to be slapped with an alert sheet saying the site cannot be found. Then I have to sit around watching my Network control panel to see when I'm back online again, because a lot of times the info I need on the web is for work."
"Now, with BwanaDik, I can look at the menu bar and know right away if I can access the internet or not. Even better, when my network is back online, BwanaDik lets me know right away with an alert window. So now I can keep typing code and when the network is ready, I can go do my searches and whatnot."
"So, yes, there are a lot of IP address apps out there. I'm sure they are all great. But this one does exactly what I want it to. It probably doesn't do what you want, but that's OK with me."
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6. Smell-O-Mints 2.3.2 - useful chemistry info
Requirements: "Mac OS X 10.4.x or higher, 1MBdisk space, lungs."
"Smell-O-Mints is a Periodic table of the elements for the Macintosh. It's not as full-featured as a lot of other Periodic tables out there, but it's free and looks very nice. Especially if you put it next to the coffee table by the ferns."
"Click on an element symbol to get a little more information on the item, like atomic weight, radioactive properties, and atomic number. You can use the popup menu to switch between the basic table and a table of solids, liquids and gasses, and more."
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7. Heart Monitor 1.3 - CPU cardio-monitor
Requirements: Mac OS 10.3 or later
"Heart Monitor is a bare-bones CPU monitor menu extra that displays a beating heart. As the CPU load increases, the heart beats faster. You can set Heart Monitor to track the User, System, Idle or Nice load. It does not do much else. Uptime, processor info and other tidbits are not displayed. You can set the window level (desktop, normal or floating), and optionally display a small window showing all CPU load averages. There are many CPU monitors out there that give you plenty of CPU information. This is not one of those applications.
To use Heart Monitor, "simply double click to launch. A heart will appear on your desktop, and a new menu item will appear in your menubar, displaying a percentage. This is the CPU load average for whichever load you wish to track (User, System, Idle or Nice). Use this menu to set the preferences of the Heart Monitor." To quit Heart Monitor, "simply click on the menu that is displaying the CPU load, and choose 'Quit Heart Monitor'.
"Why doesn't Heart Monitor show the things [you] want to see? Because I'm not you. And it's free. And the source code is available."
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8. BinClocken 1.6 - binary clock
Requirements: Mac OS 10.4 or later
"What is BinClocken? A useless floating binary LED clock for your desktop."
"How do [you] use BinClocken? Simply double click to launch. You can change the LED color (blue, red, green), window style (metal, wood, black, transparent) and window level from the 'Clock' menu item." (For more info on how to tell time with BinClocken, click here.)
"Why did [I] write this? What's wrong with [me]? I was given a ThinkGeek binary clock by a friend (in a not-so-transparent attempt to force me to learn binary math). It sucks. It runs fast, very fast, gaining about 5 minutes per day, making it totally useless. So this is my revenge on the world. Plus, I was drunk when I wrote it."
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9. Solscape 2.4.2 - Internet-based sun monitor
Requirements: Mac OS 10.4 or later
"Solscape is a "Solar Data Browser" application that grabs real time, up to the minute images of the Sun in multiple light wavelengths. Solscape also monitors current Solar flare activity, Earth view satellite images, Solar geomagnetic activity, and Aurora activity. Solscape gets all of its information via the Internet and compiles it in a single, easy to use application. You can save and archive the data that Solscape collects for later use, and you can tell Solscape to automatically grab the data when you want."
For information on how to use Solscape, check out the aptly named "How do I use Solscape?"
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10. Atomic Beef 1.3 - app and file launcher
Requirements: Mac OS 10.4 or later
"Atomic Beef is an app/file menu item launcher. Put items in the Atomic Beef Menu Items Folder, and they will appear in the Atomic Beef menu item. It's slow and pokey, but it works."
"Why is Atomic Beef? I dunno. I just felt like writing my own app/file launcher menu item I guess. It kinda sucks, putting lots of items in the Atomic Beef Menu Items can make Atomic Beef take forever to startup."
To use Atomic Beef, "double click the icon to launch. To add items to the menu, choose "Open Atomic Beef Folder..." from the menu and put files, folders, aliases, whatever in there. To add a menu separator, simple create an empty folder or file and give it a name with the extension .separator, like "Pictures.separator". You can change the separator extension to be whatever you want in the preferences, though. You can also set it to skip items begining with a defined character (like "~"), skip empty folders, limit the depth of folders it will display, etc."
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11. iCat 2.0 - feline philosopher
Requirements: Mac OS 10.4 or later
"iCat is the OS X version of one of the dumbest applications on the planet, Cat.app, which I wrote in 1972 for the Classic Mac OS. This totally useless waste of bits is a floating cat head that lets out various quotes, noises, and smells. Note: prolonged use can lead to spontaneous decapitation. Simply double click the iCat icon to launch. You can adjust the activity level, window placement and shadow via the Preferences (under the iCat menu item)."
"Why would [you] want to use iCat? Good question."
"Why did [I] write iCat? Choose one of the following:
1) My parents never bought me a pony.
2) I enjoy being insulted at MacWorld events.
3) I can't talk to girls.
4) It's a desperate cry for attention.
5) I'm on drugs.
6) My cat is on drugs.
7) I didn't write anything. You're on drugs."
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12. Cosmic Debris 2.0 - aurora borealis monitor
Requirements: Mac OS 10.4 or later
"Cosmic Debris is an Aurora Borealis (AKA the Northern Lights) monitor menu item. It monitors two internet data sources for the probability of an Aurora event. The menu icon then displays the likelihood of an event using a color scheme: green for low probability, yellow for medium probability, red for high probability (and active for PCAF), and gray for unknown. Options include having a popup window, email or sound alert you of upgrades to the probability levels, auto updating and more. Remember, this is a probabilty monitor. It doesn't actually tell you if the Northern Lights are active or not, but rather the likelihood that they could be active."
For info on how to use Cosmic Debris, check out the appropriately named "How do I use it?" on this page.
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13. Conan the Librarian X 1.2 - quietude enforcer
Requirements: Mac OS 10.3 or later
Conan the Librarian X is "a torture tool. Conan tells you to shut up when the incoming sound on your built in microphone reaches certain levels. This is a port of a very, very old System 7 extension for the Macintosh. It was one of my favorite useless apps for the Classic Mac OS."
"Ideally, you should install this app on the Mac of someone you hate. I have a list of 67 people, personally. Once installed on the Macintosh of your foe, double click the icon to launch. It runs as a faceless background application, so it will look as if nothing has happened. When running, Conan the Librarian listens in on the built in microphone. When the sound level gets to a certain point, it will tell you to shut up. The more sound that comes in, the angrier the Governor gets. If you need to kill the application because your life is being threatened, open up a Terminal window and type in the following command: killall QUIT "Conan The Librarian" If Conan is too sensitive to sounds, try lowering the Input Volume in the System Preferences (under Sound->Input)."
DOWNLOAD CONAN THE LIBRARIAN X 1.2
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14. LunaMenu 1.2 - moon-phase monitor
Requirements: Mac OS 10.4 or later
LunaMenu is "a simple menu bar item that displays an icon of the current phase of the moon. You can also opt to have a floating moon on your desktop, and there's a window with a detailed summary of the current moon phase. Double click to install. It will appear as if nothing has happened. Look in your menu bar, toward the upper right of your monitor, for a little icon of the moon."
"Why is LunaMenu? Me nerdly. I'm milking the new moon phase calculations library I ported for all it's worth."
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15. X-Mas Tree 1.4 - yule love this one
Requirements: Mac OS 10.4 or later
X-Mas Tree is "a Christmas tree for your Mac."
"Why is X-MasTree? Because I'm a sucker for shiny lights. Double click the icon to launch. There are many options, including which color lights to display, lighting modes (static, blinking or fading), a few ornaments, and a badge displaying days left until Christmas. WARNING: setting the lighting mode to 'fade' will beat the living snot out of your CPU."
For information about how to make your own custom ornaments for X-Mas tree, check out "A note about adding custom ornaments to X-MasTree" (nifty name, eh?), at the bottom of this page.
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16. AAPLStockDock 2.3 - Apple stock ticker
Requirements: Mac OS 10.4
"AAPLStockDock is a pretty lame stock ticker for one company only: Apple Computer (stock symbol AAPL). It grabs the latest AAPL stock quote and displays it in the dock, and in a floating window if you choose. I really have no idea why I wrote this app in the first place, I'm practically a commie. Why I rewrote it is anyone's guess."
"Just double click the AAPLStockDock application to start. Then AAPLStockDock will download the latest AAPL stock quote and display it in the dock, and in the floating window, if you have it open. The apple is color coded to reflect changes to the stock value. When the stock value is going up, the apple is green. When the stock value is going down, the apple is red. If the stock value has not changed, the apple is blue. If the stock value is unknown (first download, etc), the apple will be yellow."
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17. Mac-O-Lantern 1.3.1 - the world's best digital Jack
Requirements: Mac OS 10.3 or later
"Mac-O-Lantern (formerly Jack-O-Mac) is an animated (or not animated) Halloween Jack-O-Lantern for your desktop."
"This is the application I spend most of my time and energy working on year after year, believe it or not. I consider it my 'flagship' app. Double click to launch. Options include animated or non-animated (animated will suck down your CPU), candle or no candle, large or small pumpkin, animated dock icon, etc. NOTE: The flicker rate and animating the dock icon will affect how much CPU power Mac-O-Lantern uses."
To add or create custom faces, "please read the 'Adding and Creating Custom Faces' document included with Mac-O-Lantern for detailed instructions."
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18. EarthquakeX 1.1 - a taste of San Francisco
Requirements: Mac OS 10.3 or later
"EarthquakeX is a port of an old prank/joke control panel for System 7 called Earthquake. When installed, your Macintosh will experience random earthquakes. This version is a bit different from the old one, but the principal is still the same. The old version, being a control panel, allowed you to set the quake frequency, duration and richter level."
"Ideally, you should install this on the computer of someone who is smaller and weaker than you. Then simply double click the EarthquakeX icon. It's a faceless background app, so it will look as if nothing has happened. After a few seconds, your Mac should experience a tremor. If you wish to quit EarthquakeX, simply open up a Terminal window and type: killall QUIT "Earthquake" If that doesn't work, simply choose "Log Out" from the Apple menu, then log back in."
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19. BelchX 1.2 - rude noises, take two
Requirements: Mac OS 10.2 or later
"BelchX is a port of an old System 7 extension for the Macintosh, called Belch. BelchX is an invisible application that will cause your Macintosh to have a case of indigestion: it lets out a nasty belch every once in a while. Put it on your friend's Macintosh, and they will love you for it.
To use BelchX, "simply double click the BelchX icon. It's an invisible background application, so it will look as if nothing has happened. But soon, your Mac will start belching. If you wish to quit BelchX, simply open up a Terminal window and type: killall QUIT "Belch" If that doesn't work, simply choose "Log Out" from the Apple menu, then log back in, or restart your Macintosh."
For information on how to fine-tune the subtle wit that is BelchX, check out the notes for Version 1.2 here.
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20. Fjork 1.1 - network-based rude noises
Requirements: Mac OS 10.3 or later
"What is Fjork? It be what it is. If you have to ask what any of my software is 'about,' you have overestimated my intelligence. Ok, what this app *really* does is play semi-disturbing sounds on a remote Macintosh via an invisible client and admin application."
To use Flork, "install the client on any Macintosh with Mac OS X 10.3.x and a network connection (Internet or LAN). Launch the client on that computer. It runs in the background, so it may look like nothing has happened when you launch it. For best results, add the Fjork Client to the login items of the user. Now, go to your computer, and launch the admin. You will be presented with a list of Fjork Clients that you can connect to. Choose one, and then press 'Connect'. Or, press 'Other...' and type in the IP address of the Mac you have installed the client on. Now, choose which sound you wish to play from the popup menu, and press 'Fjork'. You can kill the client on the remote Mac if it appears your life may be threatened by pressing the 'Kill Client' button.
For information on how to use Fjork from behind a firewall, check out the Notes section on this page.
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21. LunaSaver 1.2.4 - a new way to be mooned
Requirements: Mac OS 10.3 or later
LunaSaver is "a simple Screensaver for Mac OS X which displays the current phase of the moon, along with some detailed lunar information."
To use LunaSaver, "simply double click the LunaSaver icon to install."
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Links:
[1] http://www.time.com/time/time100/scientist/profile/wittgenstein.html
[2] http://www.nyu.edu/classes/jeffreys/GayandLesbianPerformance/suellentrop/ridiculous.html
[3] http://www.clown-ministry.com/index_1.php?/site/articles/bob_keeshan_captain_kangaroo_the_first_clarabell_the_clown
[4] http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/news/2001/08/45915
[5] http://www.zathras.de/angelweb/moose.htm
[6] http://www.awn.com/mag/issue3.3/3.3pages/3.3jacksonjared.html
[7] http://dev.freeverse.com:16080/faq/index.php?sid=46756&lang=en&action=artikel&cat=1&id=68&artlang=en
[8] http://perversiontracker.com/archives/000081.html
[9] http://www.jschilling.net
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[24] http://futurenet.vo.llnwd.net/o2/maclife/HeartMonitor.dmg
[25] http://www.jschilling.net/sw_binclocken.php
[26] http://futurenet.vo.llnwd.net/o2/maclife/BinClocken.dmg
[27] http://www.thinkgeek.com/homeoffice/lights/59e0/
[28] http://www.jschilling.net/sw_solscape.php
[29] http://futurenet.vo.llnwd.net/o2/maclife/Solscape.dmg
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[45] http://futurenet.vo.llnwd.net/o2/maclife/Mac-O-Lantern.dmg
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[50] http://www.jschilling.net/sw_fjork.php
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[52] http://www.jschilling.net/sw_lunasaver.php
[53] http://futurenet.vo.llnwd.net/o2/maclife/LunaSaver.dmg