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Ask an iPhone, with Salty the iPhone

Salty the iPhone — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 17:13:17 -0500

Yeah, hi, look, I know it's been a while since I've rapped at ya. First, the iPhone 3.0 software came out, and all that paste made my buttons stick. Then the iPhone 3GS was released, and I spent a while hiding in the bathroom feeling inadequate about my lack of built-in compass. And AT&T doesn't exactly make it easy for me to get a signal, and you know how useless phones can be without a DECENT SIGNAL FROM A NETWORK THAT WORKS. Ahem. Sorry about that. Anyway, I'm back now, so let's talk.

AT&T said we'd be able to send MMS messages on its network by late summer. Labor Day is Monday, my kid has been back in school for a week, and we're down to our last box of Mr. Freeze treats. What's the big holdup?

AT&T finally released a statement today saying we'll have MMS capabilities on September 25. Which is not late summer, it's early fall. Or early spring for our South American friends -- ¡Hola a Jerónimo en Colombia! -- but they aren't stuck with AT&T, plus they have sugar cars.

So obviously AT&T are a bunch of liars, but hopefully they'll come through and "deliver." It's pretty well known that iPhone owners are mad at AT&T for being so very craptacular, and all I can really say is, I am glad I don't work for them.

Gee whiz it's hard for me to get a signal. And sometimes I don't get my voicemails for a whole day. How sucky is that?

Yes. I know. It sucks.

I'm just guessing here, but perhaps you live in the San Francisco or New York metro areas, home to perhaps 20 percent of iPhone-owning Americans. I wonder this because those are the places AT&T's 3G "notwork" is most heavily burdened by all your tapping and swiping and using the data plan you're required to pay dearly for each and every month.

Look, I was hanging out with the Mac|Life staff recently, and as usual, they were complaining. Whine, whine, whine these people, it's impossible to get them to shaddup about their lack-of-service woes. Ooh, I wasn't invited to the protest of capitalism and brassieres over at Sean Penn's house because the text message didn't arrive in time! Boo hoo.

Still, floating in the reflecting pool of fine whine, I found bobbing a few nuggets of wisdom: If you're truly fed up, call AT&T and complain. Tell them you want a credit on your account because you feel that you aren't getting the service you pay for. Various unnamed staff members and hangers-on have done so and received credits from $4 (FOUR!?!? Yes, four) to $50 just for being persistently cantankerous yet mostly polite-ish. Give it a try. If you can get your phone to work.

Did AT&T ever mention tethering? People in other countries can do tethering, you know.

People in other countries have sugar cars! No, AT&T did not mention official tethering. They don't even want you to play tetherball; you might get too many ideas.

The new Spotlight feature in iPhone 3.0 is pretty great. But I want to use it mostly as an app launcher, and the top result is usually an email. Can I reorder those results?

Yup. It's just a little hidden. Go to Settings > General > Home > Search Results. Uncheck any items you want to exclude from the search results, and/or slide them into a new order. See how awesome the iPhone is when you aren't trying to send or receive communications over the cellular network?

Pose your iPhone-related and/or philosophical quandries at askaniphone@gmail.com. You can also follow Salty on Twitter twitter.com/SaltyTheiPhone.

Ask an iPhone, Vol IV: Citizens on Patrol

Salty the iPhone — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 16:51:38 -0500

Salty the iPhone was once dunked in the ocean and nearly abandoned for dead. But he emerged from his ordeal with super powers, like advice-giving, a good grasp on sarcasm, and the very human need to be held. Pose your iPhone-related and/or philosophical quandries at askaniphone@gmail.com

How come the MMS feature in the new iPhone 3.0 software won't work on the original iPhone hardware? My old Razr had MMS from the day I got it.—Janet F.

Just marry your Razr or something if you love it so much! Then you'll be truly happy! You don't deserve my greatness! Children in Myanmar don't even know what MMS is! Anyway, according to Apple's iPhone super-smartypantses, who addressed this in the media Q&A after the March 17 iPhone 3.0 event, the original iPhone uses a different cell radio than the iPhone 3G, and the OG phone's radio can't use the frequency that AT&T uses for sending MMS messages. Therefore it's a hardware issue and unfixable unless you *drumroll* buy new hardware, or finally go back to that Razr that you, like, secretly spoon under the covers every night. Sicko.

Six months I bought an iPhone from AT&T. It worked great and I loved it. Only one problem. I could not receive a signal at my home. If I drove four blocks away the signal was fine. I live in the greater Los Angeles area, and there are cell towers all over the place. Unfortunately, I must be in a spot with minimal coverage. Very reluctantly I had to return the phone and go back to Verizon, whose service works very well at my home. My questions are: When do you think Apple will allow other companies to sell the iPhone? And is there anything else that I can legally do in the mean time to have an iPhone? Thanks in advance for your response.—Dan P.

Well, Dan, you're welcome in advance of my response.

It's a bummer you couldn't get a good signal at your house, even with L.A. being so silly with cell towers. Unfortunately, it's also silly with hills and mountains, which can limit the signals' reach. Or maybe the, um, special materials used in plastic surgery, uh, implants send out interference of their own. We just don't know.

To answer your first question: Before the iPhone 3G came out in July 2008, AT&T put out a press release trumpeting their exclusivity deal with Apple, but didn't say how long it's expected to last. We've seen 2012 cited, and more recently 2010, aka next year. Originally it was supposed to be this year, if you believe anonymous sources. Of course, that agreement could be renegotiated at any time. And even when it's up, no guarantee Apple will go with Verizon, especially when 7-Eleven SpeakOut Wireless is around.

Second question: You could unlock your phone, but that's "illegal." You could use AT&T's services out there in greater LA-LA Land, then turn to a VoIP app for making calls at home over a trusty Wi-Fi connection. There's Truphone (iTunes link) and fring (iTunes link), and both of those are free.

With something like 25 kajillion apps now in the App Store, what's your absolute favorite app of all time? —Bobby B.

I can't claim to have sampled them all, since I'm just an iPhone and thus have problems securing a valid credit card (Citibank, c'mon, baby—I know you're hurting! Call me!). But of all the ones that have been tested on my humble circuit boards, I'd say...Hold On! (iTunes link) Because like anyone, I just want to be held. Although the never-actually-developed app iPhone Discus sounds pretty fabulous too.

Salty Helps You Ditch Your Sprint Contract

Salty the iPhone — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 13:55:58 -0600

I used to be militant about not wanting to switch my cell service to AT&T, but I've been fiddling around with my buddy's iPhone enough that now I REALLY want one. Any advice for getting out of my Sprint contract?

First of all, congratulations, you've finally caught on. Secondly, you don't fiddle around with an iPhone, you perform MIRACLES OF HANDHELD COMPUTING. (Although I do support militantness nearly everywhere I can find it. *Raises fist.*)

Thirdly, you're neck-deep in luck, my friend, but only if you act fast. Sprint recently increased its administrative charge to 99 cents per line. Of course, this is a change to your contract and entitles you to cancel said contract without being subjected to the ETF, or Early Termination Fee. (You might have to argue with them on the phone a little, but stick to your guns. Salty would. In fact, you should just borrow my guns.) But you need to dispute the contract change within 30 DAYS, meaning before this Saturday, so do it, um, right now. Then enjoy your iPhone.

(Salty salutes Barganeering.com for the tip!)

I have too many apps! How can I weed out the ones I don't use?

Look, apps are great. They're convenient to buy and install, and it's nice to help software developers out. But it's easy to go overboard and then you have nine home screens of icons and you have to hunt around for Shazam when you're in the taqueria and by the time you found it, that awesome salsa number isn't on the jukebox anymore and now you'll never find out what it was.

I can't think of an easy software-based hack to track how often you use your iPhone's various apps. You could get all manual with it, and just jot down notes (in the Notes app or on actual paper I suppose) when you've used an app, then after a month or so jettison all the apps you haven't used since you started keeping track.

Or, try putting all the apps you know are keepers on one screen, then leave one screen almost blank in between there, then make a third screen of apps you're not sure if you use often enough to keep on your phone. As you find yourself using those, take a second to drag them to the almost-blank screen until it's filled up. The apps that are still languishing in your "I just don't know" screen can probably be junked.

But keep in mind, if you ditch an app from your phone (by holding an icon until they all start to wiggle, then tapping the X by icons of apps you want to chuck), it's still in your iTunes Library, so if you change your mind, you can always put it back on there. Like we might do one day with Demon Solitaire (not bloody likely).

Ask an iPhone, Vol. III

Salty the iPhone — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 08:17:00 -0500

Salty the iPhone emerged from the ocean with super powers, like advice-giving, fiscal foresight, and a very advanced vocabulary. Pose your iPhone-related and/or philosophical quandries at askaniphone@gmail.com.

My dad won't let me get an iPhone 3G so iHave an iProblem because iAm too young. What should iDo?

First, relax. No one ever died because they didn't have an expensive cell phone that can't even stay charged longer than a day. I got dunked carelessly in the ocean, friggin' died, then was completely disassembled, soaked in alcohol, and eventually revived to slave tirelessly for a new master who makes me write an advice column. And I survived.

But on to your question. You don't say how old you are, but I can say with confidence that like every single kid in this country, you need to get yourself a galldarn job. Too young to toil in the salt mines? Get a paper route or something. Mow lawns. Start a consulting firm. Learn how to carve those sweet ice sculptures; people make bank doing that.

Open a free checking account, then a high-yield savings account somewhere like ING Direct. You'll need three accounts: retirement, long-term, and short-term savings.

At your age, 40 percent or so of your after-tax earnings should go into your retirement savings. You'll stash that away until you get $3,000 and then open a Roth IRA with Vanguard and buy some low-cost index mutual funds. Keep making contributions to this Roth IRA yearly, at least 15 percent of your income, to your retirement savings, so you can reap the benefits of compounded interest. You're going to be rich.

Another 40 percent of your take-home scratch can go in the long-term savings. This is for your college tuition. You might want to look into a 529 plan or maybe a CD ladder depending on how old you are, but you need to be stashing away money for college, dude, seriously. (But it's worth it. Parties, videogames, pizza for breakfast.)

That leaves you with 20 percent of your salary left, which you can stick in your short-term savings account until you can afford your iPhone. If you're on an individual plan, that's going to cost you at least $70/month for two years as well. Plus, the taxes and fees on a cell phone are pretty ridiculous, and you youths love that text messaging for some reason, so budget $100/month for the phone bill.

So that means that you should really be earning about $500/month after taxes to be able to afford just your savings (which is far more important, after all) and your iPhone bill. And that's assuming you have no other expenses at all, being a freeloading kid and everything. Although if you start pulling down that much, your parents or guardians will probably start charging you rent. Heck, I would.

Just get an iPod touch instead.

Why does my iPhone get a bad connection in Huntington Beach, CA?

I don't know. Hippies?

My iPhone 3G was stolen out of my hand. I chased him down to the beach and he threw it into the water. It washed up on shore about five minutes later and it was completely destroyed. What do I do?

Use it as a bludgeon. If you already have a decent bludgeon, send it to Robbie. He brought me back to life after I'd been in the ocean of Hawaii, with the waves and the mermaid sweat and everything. Or contact one of the many iPhone repair services. They do good work.

Ask an iPhone, Vol. II

Salty the iPhone — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 17:30:59 -0500

Q: I have wanted an iPhone ever since the first one came out. My iProblem (lol) is that I LOATHE AT&T! Can I get the iPhone 3G but stay with my current carrier, T-moblie?

A: No. iLOL!

Q: Can I use my 3G phone's SIM card in a first gen iPhone? Can I switch back and forth between the two devices in this way?

A: Look, man, some people didn't get an iPhone 3G yet. My main man Jaime over at the AT&T store on Mission Street isn't even ALLOWED to get one yet, not until demand dies down a little more. And you want to switch back and forth between two? Plus, the iPhone 3G is superior in every way to every phone ever made, so just stick with that and let it be enough for you and be grateful neither of your iPhones has FALLEN IN THE FRIGGIN' OCEAN.

Q: Hey, I got my wife this new iPhone. She has a hot iMac running OS 10.4.11. The phone will not sync with the iMac. It gets to Calendars and then just runs and runs (all night long) and never finishes syncing. All software is up to date. The phone is set to sync not "push" through MobileMe. What's the deal?

A: Wait, what's a hot iMac? Did you buy it out of the back of a van or something? Does she have MobileMe? If so, do her calendars show up correctly on www.me.com? Is it set to sync manually and you're waiting for it to push content automatically? Don't you hate it when people answer questions with more questions?

Q: I'm in need of some assistance when it comes to remotely controlling my MacBook Pro with my first-gen iPhone. I can control iTunes on my HP desktop just fine with it—it pairs properly and everything works great. However, for some reason it doesn't want to pair with its own Apple cousin. It registers fine, I punch in the four-digit code, my MBP says that the phone is able to remotely control iTunes, but the phone keeps searching for the library and can't find it. I've tried everything I can find about it online and have even totally restored the device in hopes that it would fix the problem, to no avail.

A: I would update to iPhone 2.0.1 software, check for an update to the Remote app (we didn't see one at press time, though), reboot the iPhone by holding down the Home and Sleep buttons for a really long darn time, or just delete the HP's library and start over. At least I would do these things if I had arms, but I'm an iPhone, so I don't.

Q: The raccoons get into my trash cans every night no matter what I do to try to stop them.

A: That's not a question.

Got a [real] question for Salty the iPhone? Email askaniphone@gmail.com and remove two articles of clothing.

Ask an iPhone, Vol. I

Salty the iPhone — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 17:02:04 -0500

Q: I'm debating whether to get an iPhone 3G tomorrow, or wait a couple of days for the hoopla to die down. But I'm worried if I wait too long, it'll sell out. Any advice?

A: My advice is to get your priorities straight, bucko. You should have gotten in line two days ago. I mean, I'm revolutionizing the entire telecommunications AND handheld computing universes over here, and you're worried about a little hoopla? Don't concern yourself with sellouts, instead bow down and beg my forgiveness or you'll land on the supersecret iPhone blacklist. End transmission.

Q: How come we have to pay to send text messages when the iPhone plans are supposed to have unlimited data? Isn't a text message data?

A: Hey, don't get philosophical with me, I'm just an iPhone. Sure, that makes me the smartest phone, oh, EVER, but existential questions like "what is data?" make my headphone jack hurt. OK, OK, I'll level with you. AT&T is charging for text messages 1) because they can, and 2) because text messaging is dumb. Anyway, AT&T will actually let you send texts without the $5/month plan, but you'll pay 20 cents for each. So just keep it under 25 text per month and you'll come out ahead, penny pincher.

Q: In his review in The New York Times, David Pogue emasculated you by calling out your GPS unit's "much too small" antenna. How do you plan to defend your manliness? And is it true that "there’s not much you can do with" your GPS?

A: I have seen David Pogue's GPS antenna (he sometimes leaves the shower curtain just slightly askew), and let's just say it's not going to be pulling any satellites out of their orbits anytime soon. I can do plenty with my GPS, including telling you where you are and alerting you to the location of any nearby spiky-haired dudes with two popped collars. You're welcome.

Q: My girlfriend always nags me to do more chores around the house, but she doesn't seem to notice all the things I am already doing. How do I get her to give me the credit I deserve instead of only noticing what isn't done?

A: I sympathize with you so friggin' hard, bro. I mean, I am inarguably the greatest gadget ever forged from plastic, metal, and the dreams of dewy-eyed angels, and yet people still have "complaints" about silly things I can't do, like shooting video. (Confidential to the wanna be iPhellinis: GET A REAL CAMCORDER ALREADY.) I say, you want her to appreciate you? Get her an iPhone.

Q: How come the iPhone 2.0 software update still doesn't let us cut and paste?

A: See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. Are we in kindergarten? Is it arts and crafts time? Are you hankering to make some macaroni pictures? No? Then shut up about the stinkin' cut and paste already! Everyone knows cut and paste is for boy-band collages and high school students plagiarizing from Wikipedia. But hey, if that's what you're into, I'm sure a third party will throw you a bone one of these days. Maybe.

Got a question for Salty the iPhone? Email askaniphone@gmail.com and leave $5 under your pillow.