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Apple Big Shots Take Over Reality TV (In My Dreams)

Susie Ochs — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 17:41:20 -0600

I know you're excited about Woz's upcoming appearance on "Dancing With the Stars," (premiering March 9 zomg!), and so am I. Seriously, I watch a lot of TV, and an embarrassing amount of that slo-mo train wreck known as reality TV. And although DWTS hasn't been on my Season Pass list before (how will I ever catch up?!?!), you know the addition of the ever-charming Woz will have me tuning in, like a nerd.

But then I got to thinking...what other reality shows would be made a million times more awesome with the addition of an Apple bigwig to the cast? Um, yeah, that would be all of them. Like these here. (Got more ideas? Comment away!)

Steve Jobs
"Survivor"

Look, it's no question that El Jobso would be a natural for "Survivor," and not just because he is an actual survivor, having beaten pancreatic cancer. He's definitely outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted in his professional career -- his triumphant return to Apple, the sweet, sweet deal he got for Pixar? Come on!

And as someone who's watched every season of "Survivor," I can tell you he's got the charismatic leader thing down as well as any of the show's winners. The guy's got the genius of Yul plus the toughness of Tom and the coolness of Earl, all wrapped up in a sassy black turtleneck. (That's another thing! Sensible clothing! No wearing a suit for 39 days for him, although we'd recommend pants that dry a little quicker than Levi's, in case he has to wrestle an alligator or something.) Can't you just see him putting the Reality Distortion Field on the jury members at the final tribal council? They don't stand a chance.

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Tim Cook
"Top Chef"

If Apple were a restaurant, Steve Jobs would probably be the owner or maitre d' -- something high profile, front of the house, out in the spotlight. Chief Operations Officer Tim Cook would be in the back, firmly in charge, making sure the products being delivered -- the food, duh -- lived up to the high standards and creative vision that keeps the diners coming back for more.

Tim handles the company's "worldwide sales and operation, including end-to-end management of Apple's supply chain," which frankly sounds a lot harder than, say, opening a restaurant overnight in the famous "Top Chef" Restaurant Wars challenge. So if he can oversee the creation of technical wonderproducts like the iPhone, iPod, and those computers Apple also makes, I bet he could whip up some tasty fois gras nachos with bacon foam, prepared in 10 minutes using only a single propane burner. Plus, um, his last name is Cook. So there's that.

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Jonathan Ive
"Top Design"

Apple's senior vice president of industrial design has already won numerous design awards -- the dude was named Royal Designer for Industry by the Royal Society of the Arts! That sounds impressive, having two "royals" in there like that. So it's a no-brainer to let his talents crush all comers on "Top Design," a competition for interior designers.

Although Ive is one of the more mysterious members of Apple's upper-uppers, it's cool -- "Top Design" is a little boring as a show, so he'd totally stand out, class it up, and keep everyone (OK, especially Apple geeks) capitvated. Plus, don't you want to see how he'd incorporate touchscreens, clickwheels, and iSights into the ultimate living room?

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Scott Forstall
"Big Brother"

Scott is the senior vice president of iPhone software, and he would completely rule on "Big Brother," no questions asked. First he'd write some crazy iPhone software that can remotely control all 9 million cameras installed around the "Big Brother" house. Then he'd hack into the control room's operating system to delete any unflattering footage (like there would be any -- the man is good looking and that's all there is to it), and then just for kicks he'd overhaul the "Big Brother" website's horrible UI. And that's just on the first day. Hopefully being surrounded by more typical "Big Brother" contestants won't cause Scott's big old brain to shrivel and die...

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Phil Schiller
"The Amazing Race"

Phil is the senior vice president of worldwide product marketing -- that's WORLDWIDE, my friends. Who knows how many languages this man can speak, what kind of air-travel ninja skills he possesses, or how beloved he is by the indiginous peoples of Burkina Faso or wherever he's sent by Phil Keoghan on the rrrrrrace around the world.

OK, and check out those guns in the picture. Plus, after the way he rocked Apple's last Macworld Expo keynote ever, don't you think he'd fly through whatever Road Blocks and Detours the show could throw at him?

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Katie Cotton
"Deal or No Deal"

Katie Cotton at Macworld Expo 2007; Creative Commons-licensed image by Violet Blue.

Sure, it's more of a game show, but Katie's got game. As Apple's vice president of worldwide corporate communications, she's the main gatekeeper between a world that can't get enough inside info on Apple's products and business, and the tight-lipped company itself. This kind of tightrope act would make her an excellent "Deal or No Deal" contestant: all business, not prone to embarrassing bursts of emotion, and able to shut down Howie Mandell's incessant yammering with a steely "No comment," while she quietly goes about the business of "no-dealing" every crappy offer, bringing the banker to his knees, and winning the million without breaking a sweat.

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Bertrand Serlet
"American Idol"

Honestly? I adore his charming French accent and think he'd have a lovely singing voice. And that's it.

10 Ways Tim Cook Can Develop His Geek Cred to Rival Steve's

Michael Simon — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 05:27:00 -0600

To say Steve Jobs is a tough act for Apple COO Tim Cook to follow is a bit of an understatement. With rock-star mystique, legions of adoring fans and a near-perfect track record, Steve's larger-than-life image is enough to make Tim stay locked in his corner office for the next six months.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. With a few of the right moves and shakes, Tim can emerge from relative obscurity and make a smooth transition from the shadows to the spotlight, and look good doing it, too:

Lock down the threads

Sometimes it seems like Steve Jobs was born wearing a mock turtleneck and jeans, but it actually took several decades for him to craft his simple, yet sophisticated style. Tim Cook, unfortunately, doesn’t have the luxury of time, but that doesn’t mean he can’t craft his own signature wardrobe. We’re got a few suggestions: Bizarro Steve (denim jacket and black, silk pants). Or dark shades, ripped jeans and a red leather jacket. But no vests, please. Even Steve couldn’t pull that one off.

It's On!

Nas and Jay-Z. Biggie and 2Pac. Heather Locklear and Denise Richards. Up-and-coming stars and down-and-out rappers will agree, the quickest way to pick up some serious street cred is to pick a fight with someone bigger than you. Enter Steve Ballmer. There’s lots to choose from--Zune, Vista, Explorer--but we think this might be a good starting point.

Apple picking

While Steve has been married since 1991, Tim Cook may just have become Cupertino’s most eligible bachelor. While he should probably stay away from the Anne Hathaways and Julianne Houghs of Sunset Strip (he’s pushing 50, after all), there’s nothing wrong with snuggling up to “Weeds” mom Mary-Louise Parker or Gilmore Girl Lauren Graham. Or, recently single, 30-something Drew Barrymore--is there any better way to get back at Justin Long than dating the greatest Mac of them all?

Who is that masked man?

Comic book adaptations are all the rage right now, and nothing’s cooler than the mild-mannered interim CEO that turns into a crime-fighting juggernaut after business hours. We’re not too sure what Cookman’s super powers would be, but we know Jonathan Ive would design an awesome costume and kick-ass utility belt.

will.power

From the Black Eyed Peas to i.am clothing, CNN holograms and guest spots galore, will.i.am, much like Apple, has somehow managed to keep his underground appeal while still embracing mainstream success. Not only will a verse or two on a will.i.am track sharpen his rhyming skills and boost his coolness factor tenfold, it’ll give him some extra clout when he has to negotiate all those iTunes Plus record contracts.

Anyone can Cook!

We’re not saying Steve needed Fake Steve Jobs (aka Dan Lyons of Newsweek) to boost his celebrity status, but it certainly didn’t hurt. Since we’ll only actually see Tim once or twice over the next six months, an FTC (Fake Tim Cook) Web presence will fill in the gaps nicely. Cook’s mystery factor is already through the roof, so a high-profile sham blog is just what he needs to go from question mark to instant sensation.

E-Street Shuffle

Steve’s cornered the market on Bono and John Mayer, but as far as we can tell, Bruce Springsteen’s still up for grabs. We know what you’re thinking, but after booking a spot at the Super Bowl halftime show, selling his soul to Walmart and rubbing elbows with Hollywood elite at the Golden Globes, we’re think Bruce is ripe for the picking. What better way to show the world who’s boss than cozying up to the original Boss?

Ain’t iLife grand?

We know money can’t buy happiness. Or love. But it sure can buy a whole bunch of cool. What better way to get on our good side than by giving away 1,000 free iPod shuffles instead of T-shirts at Apple Store grand openings? It’ll ensure a return to grand-opening mob scenes of yore, and immediately put Cook on the map. And how many CEOs can say they made 1,000 new fans in a few hours?

What’s Cooking?

While insiders are constantly breaking Apple’s vow of silence on future releases (in fact, it’s hard to remember a product that we didn’t know about), it’s difficult to sort through all those fake tips and manufactured spy shots to find the few kernels of truth. We’re not asking Tim to tell us everything, but maybe he can lift the black curtain just a little, with a riddle or National Treasure-style set of clues on Apple.com. (And if he wants to start sending us top-secret info, we’re cool with that, too.)

Brand recognition

We all want one, and we all know it’s coming. And whether Apple’s inevitable netbook is unveiled by Phil Schiller, Bertrand Serlet or Tim himself, it’ll be the talk of the town. So what better way to get his name in the headlines than by naming it after himself? “We already have the MacBook, MacBook Pro and MacBook Air. Today, we’re releasing a new generation of Apple notebooks. And we’re calling it MacCook.” Sure, it’s egotistic, but don’t we expect that from Apple’s CEOs?

Podcast #73: Tim Cook Fills In for Steve and The Ongoing Psystar Lawsuit

Roberto Baldwin — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 22:39:33 -0600

Steve goes on a leave of absence and leaves Tim Cook in charge of the day to day operations of Apple. While the staff wonders how long the Psystar case will go on considering the shaky legal ground Psystar is basing its arguments on.

A pop star is chosen for our weekly, "Keep or Delete." Each week we download and review the free iTunes song of the week and decide whether we're going to keep or delete the file. This week's artist:

Jean - Stop the Clock

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